the dirt on my clothes- the white muslin and the brown chewed words, the earth dripping. its spots, that i dare not touch, they seep in, seep into the revolting blanks in me. the tireless cutters of trees, the sleepless lumberjacks in me, look up at my skin and its new ink they stop and breathe in some understanding. they choke on it, they sleep on it they carve it on everything they have destroyed. they have new gods again. gods that they will never pray to nor please. the gods they can’t ever leave.
i can’t…i just can’t bring myself to remove all the ellipsis…that i leave behind in my sentences. i know they look shabby… as if i don’t know how to create proper sentences…as if i have never heard of a comma. i am told it is something similar to ending and pausing sentences with “you know”.
“so juvenile”…my friend had commented. i remember saying the same words to my friends as well (but i don’t think my tone was the same, but i could be mistaken…or self righteous)…so it seems i am not allowed to take it to heart. i am supposed to erase the ellipsis…till they smile again and lie that “i will do better”…or that “it’s time i grow up”…or “gotta become a real poet”.
it seems it is okay to store my ellipses in my mind to place it on an empty sky, on the face of my teacher sprinkled with a hatred that i can’t understand, on the hands that never reach out to me in daylight, on the future i can’t seem to dream about, on every minute that i walk alone on the streets where i thought i would never have to be alone, on the days when i know the answer but won’t speak up for the fear of being right. i don’t know how to live a life where what i think has importance or the acceptance of others. need to find a better home for my pauses than pages that are mine but only with conditions.
I close your heart. I stitch you back in a same haphazard way I do almost everything in life. The same way I knocked down every clumsy fragile landmark that could have actually helped me at the end.
From your mouth I have come to know that my hopes are tied to the throats of my saviors. That you are disgusted as you see me sitting on top of sleepless nights as I help myself with another serving of self-pity that I won’t be able to digest. That I laugh a little too long at the every joke that the world plays on repeat, all the while the cruel thread that I am I cut the skin, I cut the voice, I cut the air.
“this what i am, change me in an easy way, see this is how i am hurting, why won’t you look at me when you said you wanted was the real me”
I say as I try to crawl back into the hide of your love.
“i will stitch you back, if i have hurt you. if you want to hear goodbye, i will say it a thousand times. please, please stop crying. please for once hesitate before you ask for the door out. ask for once if it was easy to take in your sorrows, your demons, your cold shoulder. ask for once how i have fared, how i have come this far, how am i letting you go, letting you be, after loving you so badly. “
I hear sweet laughter from far away (from the floor above). Leftover light from that bright world falls on me. But it is not mine. and it seems I am not allowed to love anything that is not mine.
It seems no one can be mine until I constantly try to please them, chain them to me, make them dependent on me, do their chores, worship them, read their minds and say only what they want to hear, be only what they want me to be. Is this how I make this person mine? or should I wait for someone else to put me on a pedestal for once?
I don’t think that would be love though. But what do I know? I have tried doing things right every time and look where it has got me- passed out on floor, yearning and envying another’s happiness.
please don’t ask me how my friend is doing. we broke up. we broke up the most decent way friends can break up. without deceit, without betrayal, without cruel words or bloody knife on our backs, without stories to hurt each other with, without attempts to patch up things, without deleting each other’s number that we never bothered to memorize. i do not remember her till someone says her name and when the sound of her name finds me through a stranger’s lips, i do not feel bitterness. i not miss her. a part of my heart is glad that life didn’t turn her my enemy but a part of me wonders how she turned out to be nothing in my life. when i see facebook notifications with her name, when i get a reminder of her birthday, when she calls me up once in a blue moon to ask a favor for “her friend” without bothering to ask how i have been, what is it that am i supposed to feel? i think it should hurt in some way. i am waiting for it to hurt. i am waiting to realize the meaning of this loss. i am waiting for the day I miss her. i want to miss her so much.
i wanted to say please don’t drag my god into your selfish quest for power. please don’t turn my god into a tool to manipulate mind. but i couldn’t say those things for my god was no longer my god, he/she belonged to people who were ready to accept any lie, any cruelty to propagate their beliefs and their way of life to protect their gods (or so they say). so i had no choice but to cut myself from this doctrine of power and numbers. not to protect my god, but to protect my mind and myself, to protect my faith in the endangered humanity when all i face are the proofs of its non-existence, when all i find are people who think shaming people and spilling blood is god’s work. maybe it is selfish but i want to remember my god as someone more kinder.