“MORNINGS, AFTERNOONS AND EVENINGS” –Nayana Nair

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Mornings I’m up, I sit up and gaze,
To follow a train of thought, that I can’t even trace.
Afternoons are dull, with stillness all around.
I eat and lie down listening to some songs,
Or sometimes I doze off reading something,
It drowns all the voices in my head, some peace that brings.
Evenings, as usual are spent in laughter with a tea,
As sitting there I try to convince myself of what I really feel.
Its nights that are horrible for me,
As I realize how futile has my day gone by,
How I was running blindly in every direction I found,
Just to return to what I was running from.
Not to confront the loss, and its pain,
And all efforts to ignore them gone vain.
As I find my thoughts going back to then again,
To the reality there was and only loss that can be,
For when you hurt me, and when you lied,
And when you faked grief when I cried,
When you spoke about me behind my back.
Laughing at my pain, and discuss what all I lack.
When for a stranger you left me all alone.
I realized I’ve lost you now.
Maybe I’d lost you long ago,
Or maybe I’d never lost you,
for how can I loose what I never found.
So as these mornings, afternoon and evening go by,
I do not grieve for you, nor I ever will,
And it is not for you that in sorrow I lie,
Nor it is for you that my heart is bitter and still,
And I’ll never shed a tear, for the kind of friend you were.
And never in my lifetime would I wish you were here.
But my only loss, only sorrow is what I’ve really lost,
My real loss was the loss of trust in myself.
And loss of my carefree trusting mind.
And loss for the heart that cared and believed
And losing a part of me, that I can never find
For all I’ve suffered, you were not worth this loss,
And I did not deserve this pain,
To try to find what is not there,
For my mornings, afternoons and evenings, can never be mine again

“VOICES”- Nayana Nair

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And for the times I’ve hurt you,

and have made you feel small,

and when life was a mess and

about us you weren’t sure at all.

Don’t take my words to heart,

as for me there can never be a new start,

past haunts me and destroys my present,

its like voices only I hear,

that make me appear insane,

I live with these voices,

that speak of uncertainty,

and sing tales of broken trust,

and lulls a song of doubt in me,

and fill my life with fear.

They cloud my judgement ,

alter my view.

makes me behave the way I do.

I want to make them stop,

but I don’t know how,

And if they’ll live with me till I die,

and if I’ll hurt my loved ones till that day,

why wait so long when that day can be today.

And what pains more is,

its me who’s hurting you,

and I can do nothing about it.

I would have left these voice behind,

only if the would let go of me.

They whisper day and night,

of long ago betrayals ,

and how it’ll happen again.

They tell me , everyone can hurt me,

and they’ll do so given a chance.

They tell me that I’m not worthy of any love,

and should be beware of those,

who promise me the same.

For those will be the one’s who’ll make me laugh,

and make me feel good and special,

and one day out of blue, they’ll change,

and leave me abandoned with few more voices and unhealed scars.

And they tell me that to be indifferent,

lonely and cold-hearted is what I must do,

and never should I gift my trust to another,

for it’ll be a gift thrown away after being misused.

And what hurts me is that,

my fears are gifting you too some scar.

And spreading that same fear in your heart,

and same voices will haunt you like me,

and your scars will remind of the bad person I was.

My fears, my voices will then yours too,

and to protect myself from the illusion of threat,

that the voices create, I fear I’ll hurt you too.

and we’ll both be then broken souls,

who’ll have someone else to blame.

And that I’ll be reason of the pain you’ll suffer,

and you’ll never be able to trust someone again,

That in return of you love,

all I can give, is these voices and these fears,

as its all that I have and is all that I am,

its all I can be and all that I’m left with.

But I too selfish to let go of you,

for you’re the cure to these voices,

and your love, your look and your embrace,

make me feel that all pain is bearable,

And I feel in those few moments with you,

there’s hope, there’s love and there is still a chance left.

A chance to see this world for what it is ,

through your eyes, for once I’ll be what I could have been.

Sonnet XVII- Pablo Neruda

 

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

“PARALLEL WORLDS”- Nayana Nair

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Pretty little faces, with smile reaching their eyes,

the cold hearted  ones, who ignore others cries,

the ignorant group of people, always truth they deny,

those who chose to live in fantasy, and in dreams chose to fly.

Who is here so right,

to declare others wrong?

Whoever wins the fight

is he only strong?

The world exits in parallels,

but we chose to see only one.

We are blinded by our self imposed shell,

when all is said and done.

A stranger more dear,

than your dearest friend.

An unexpected person who

holds your hand till the end.

The judge of others character,

himself failed by his judgement.

life is infact too long,

to have a hated enemy or to have a dearest friend.

Cause the hands that once held you,

may no longer be yours to hold.

The warmest smiling faces

will one day, turn cold.

“A NEW PLACE, A NEW SHORE”- Nayana Nair

(Image taken from :howtogetexback.org )

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My heart, my house, my place for escape,

Has not been looked after and is in a pretty bad shape.

Although I see beauty in every other direction,

But my gaze is fixed on this building, for which no one has affection.

But the fault was mine and mine alone,

Whom I gave my undivided attention, are long gone.

And what’s left behind is the heart I never cared for,

A heart, that doesn’t complain for always being ignored.

But today I stand at my own heart’s door,

To ask for forgiveness from my soul’s core.

For chasing the shadows that were never meant to be mine,

For it was you who created them for me, it was you light divine.

So let’s restore the happiness you held before,

Let’s move our house to a new place, a new shore.

And remove this dust from our heart’s windows,

Let’s plant the seed of joy that forever will grow.

“WE’LL NEVER KNOW” – Nayana Nair

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Look at the faces on a crowded lane,
Every face with dozens of emotion is stained.
With hundreds of worries in their brains,
Still with courage and smile, they live, they bear that pain.

But no one’s here to gaze at other’s  face,
Just wishing to live one more day, without going insane.
Trying to hide themselves, disappointments and craze,
Each smile they witness only reminds them of their own pain.

Every one hiding their past,
Their selfishness, desires and fiendish acts.
Just a written script everyday they enact,
The lives you see are all an illusion not fact.

Behind the illusive smiles and cheers,
There’s a night sky studded with fears.
Ans curtain of never ending tears,
An ocean of pain we find hard to bear.

But even with a common sorrow, a common fight,
They crush each other in darkness, for their own delight.
Ignoring reason, sympathy or truth’s light,
Each one struggling to prove their own might.

Maybe that’s what life is,
And what it always will be.
Maybe we’ll always be a bunch of biased sadists,
Reason who ignore to see.
Or maybe we’re supposed to rise above these boundaries,
Embrace each other and live free.
Or maybe we’ll never know,
What we’re meant to be.

AND SLOWLY WE WALK”- Nayana Nair.

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On the way to the library,

We both giggled as we talk,

When everyone was ahead in a hurry,

You stayed back with me and slowly we walk

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Here at this moment

I want

That this walk, this path would never end,

But I’d wish

You’d stop sacrificing you joys for my betterment.

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As the others, our classmates play, merrily on ground

I dare not and would not go anywhere near,

You love to play, but you sit with me to hear bird’s sound,

From your eyes, I can tell, not words but hearts they hear

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Here at this moment

I want

Your eyes to hear my every thought and plight,

But I’d wish

You’d leave me, without me  as a burden, your life will be more bright.

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Its lunch time, and all the girls are talking,

You sit with me, leaving the company of all others,

In my world of solitude, you brought spring,

Then effortlessly, there comes a smile on your face and m sorrow withers.

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Here at this moment

I want

This smile to last on your face forever,

But I’d wish

I’d stop draining joys from your life and for a change I’d be the giver.

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The wish is my mind and the want is my heart.

I hope someday the reason of my mind agrees with the song in my heart

I hope someday they’d be together not poles apart,

I hope someday they’d speak the same thing for a new start.

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But now

I want and I wish

Someday, for every happiness you give me,

I could give you one back too,

Someday for every suffering you go through for me,

I could do the same for you

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I hope someday

Instead of looking up to you,

I’d grow up to be you.

“IMAGES”- Nayana Nair

(Image taken from pigarot.deviantart.com)

As I glance through the photos, those images,

That I have kept secure in my dairy’s pages.

I point to an image and exclaim “That’s me!!”,

An image which shows what I used to be.

A captured image, the moment of joys,

A point in the past when I had a choice.

Innocence of face and equally of heart,

That innocence in itself was a work of art.

That happiness, that joy, that freedom of mind,

And many more things I’ve left behind.

And surrounding me were genuine smile,

No knowledge of etiquettes, no care for style.

But now the person in the mirror is no longer me,

I look for my footsteps that have been washed away by the sea.

A feeling as if I’ve lost a part of me in the dark alleys I came from,

A feeling of hatred against the person I’ve become.

I search for myself in the ruins of the past,

In the shadows of images that won’t ever last.

 

“SMILE”- Nayana Nair

(Image taken from narayankripa.blogspot.com )

A smile that makes the world so beautiful,

A smile that makes living so wonderful,

A smile that can vanish every frown,

A smile more precious than a diamond crown,

A smile that I see in every face,

A smile that adds to your grace,

A smile that seem to echo till eternity,

A smile that’s flooded with sincerity,

A smile that makes hills appear small,

A smile that could save me from every fall,

A smile that makes the time go slow,

A smile that out of your misery makes you grow,

But when I’m in grief,

And lose my hope for a time so brief,

I look upto you,

My Lord,

My God,

And that smile I see, makes me pray,

A smile that takes my pain away.

“THE FORGOTTEN FACES”- Nayana Nair

(Image taken from albeelucky.blogspot.com)

Sitting on the platform, waiting for my train,

I look at the unknown faces in vain,

Trying to find that person, that face,,

That gifted me smiles and was reason for my pain.

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Those faces that I can’t recall,

It’s a fogged memory a distant call,

As if from another life, another age,

Too surreal to be reality at all.

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Running in the dark, I was chasing a light,

Not knowing the way amidst the trees of great height,

I collided with someone, and fell on the ground,

The light was gone but there were couple of faces in sight.

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It felt that I’ve known them for years,

Their laughter, their talk, was so sweet to hear,

But a part of me feared the unknown,

I ran away from them, although I wanted them to be near.

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That moment of indecision is all I regret,

As the time passes, their faces I forget,

Now I’m left with only a painful emptiness,

I may have changed the past, if a second chance I could get.

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Looking forward to meet them at another place,

Asking the God to fulfill my wish and brighten my days,

As for now, another encounter I pray,

As I search for that forgotten face.

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