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“What have my eyes lost sight of ?” – Nayana Nair

As I sing your praise
I end up recalling
how I used to look at you
as if you could save me.
But now we stare at each other
while my life remains what it is.
I don’t call it a mess now,
to get some sympathy out of you,
to get a miracle out of you.
I don’t call it a blessing
just so that you would know
that I appreciate what you gave me
and hope to get a little bit more.

One song, one hymn after another.
I play at the seams of my skirt.
I pick at the skin that I once was.
“is this how we lose ourselves?”,
I want to ask you.
“is this we become who we are,
by cracking and crumbling invisibly,
the moment to mourn-lost forever,
the innumerable funerals no one grieved at,
is this why growing up is painful for all?”.

Instead of prayers
I come to you with only questions.
Instead of your forgiveness
I end up asking your understanding
for what I have done and what I have become.

“Rainbows and Reflection” – Nayana Nair

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I always thought
that I could be happy,
really happy,
forever happy,
if only I could make myself love happiness.

Though I approached this strange kid,
though I pretended to be good
and as holy as humans can be,
I had nothing to say this ever smiling child.
All the standard stories
I had prepared for this heavy chore
of presenting myself to this world,
were not for her ears.

I could never make myself fill her head with such darkness.
Why should she know of the categories of suffering and where I fit,
about the worth that every person has to earn.
This kid looked at rainbow and reflections with marvel,
prayed before every meal, believed in every story told.
There was nothing I could say to her.
I could not make her see me, befriend me, understand me
without changing her into me.

Only my love for this happiness
stands in my way
of the heaven I have dreamt in futile.

Prayer

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A Memory“, Saeed Jones

“…men begging for rain, rent,
and reasons to remain…”

“Spare me” – Nayana Nair

o-SAD-WOMAN-facebook

Spare me from your prayers
and spare me from your hearts.
I do not yearn for heaven
for I never believed it from the start.
Spare me from your world.
The fear and resentment of being left beind
feels less like resentment each day.
The reality of life
the pain I have given myself
turns your crimes against me into kindness.

“It didn’t matter” – Nayana Nair

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When love, friendship and family
were no big words
just words, like any other words
and it didn’t matter
which one mattered more,
which one came first,
it didn’t matter
what loyalty is , what betrayal is.

bfl

When I didn’t know these words
things didn’t hurt so much.
When I didn’t know these words
I loved my friends better,
I loved my family better.
Without looking for anything more than
simple peasure of their company
and single prayer of their well being.

bfl

But when these words
were laid out on paper,
on my heart,
along with conditions,
they seemed like an agreement,
a selfish transaction.
And I was no longer sure
whether I wanted any of it.

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