It has been long since
I saw your face for what it was.
Now the ends of your lips droops
and your words stings and
your action have become
the endless screech of a madman.
I didn’t want to spare my words
to remind you of your change.
I didn’t want to forgive you for the nights
there was nothing but your shout and your anger
bouncing around in my head
and in this house.
I want you to know how badly
you have ruined yourself.
But you are not there in that body
and I am playing pretend of a family
with the whatever has been left behind.
There are moments of indifference
that once piled up
seems more than the years I have lived.
There are too many memories
where I cannot see anyone but myself
running around in a dark cave
afraid of everything I bump into.
Not knowing that even if I shout
if anyone would hear,
sometimes fearful of who might hear me.
And even though
you are out of your cave
and I am out of mine.
Now when we can see all the things we couldn’t.
Now when we can really see each others scars.
Now when we have the luxury to know each others pain.
it is better to pretend we are still in our caves.
For too many things have been done,
too many words have been said.
And we do not remember answers to question
that we wanted each other to ask.
Yesterday the fire alarm rang.
We pretended to run
even though we knew of this lie.
Cause we were convinced
this will keep us alive,
when (if) our worst fear
(out of so many)
And in the open
where it was supposed to be safe
(as if any place in this world is safe)
when it started to drizzle,
people just wanted to run to a shelter.
Even if it meant taking refuge
in the building they ran away from
with fake fire.
And so like always,
like all of us,
they ran from one place to another,
one fear to another.
And I realized I was too tired to run now.
Running from fire,
running from rain,
running from commitments,
running from love,
running from myself.
I was too tired.
It was so sad to see him like that.
He had shrunk so much, so tiny, his eyes always remain almost closed. He cannot even sit up to eat, has no strength left. He cannot identify people, he’s calling out different people names in random way so much, that now people have stopped responding to his calls. He cannot sleep without pills anymore. Things were that bad.
When I saw him I thought of all that he had done for me when I was small. But these are things that I know, not what I remember. I know what he has done, I know what I should feel, but sadly I don’t .
If only I could feel and remember all that he was once to me, If only I could feel the love for him that he deserves. But it can’t be.
I see myself, sitting beside him on a chair talking random things to him, reading him stories, poems. That is maybe something that should have happened, probably happening in some parallel world but not here.
He is not that type of man, even if we assume that he was sane enough to be able to understand what I am saying. We were never on same page. Maybe we were, but something changed, that drove me so far from him, maybe I realized what he was, maybe I realized what I was, and realized things will never be same. How long can we pretend .
But when I saw him so weak, so powerless and vulnerable, I wanted to feel that love for him that I know wasn’t there in my heart.
(for my Grandpa)