“Does rust affect plastic dreams?” I ask my teacher in my sleep. She takes out an axe and starts cutting down the first mouth filled with wrong answers. Two rows away she wipes her brows and folds her sleeves, she takes another deep breath before she checks the attendance sheet and finds the next dream to kill.
She tells me I should think more and ask more and ask the questions that help me live. She looks at the metal that grows out of my pores and gives me another chance. She says only if I would try to be better than the people I am clinging to, I could grow up to be her. I look away from the blood that flowing down her neck, the parts of her that she intends to kill by holding other’s breath.
“What about my mother’s arms, weak weak exhausted arms? Are those my telling signs? Does that mean I don’t have to worry, that I am just someone next in line? What about you? Do you rust like me? Would the color of my rust, would my weakened heart make me worth protecting, make me deserving of kinder words?
She told me “It will not get you respect or equality, if that’s what you are looking for. It can sure get you love, of some kind, for some time but it is just a matter of time before you see the end that only you can write. And you would end up writing it cause that painful end would be more truer and more yours than any love that you find by compromise.”
As she walks past me, smiling lovingly, as she spares my life, that now she owns. As she dissolves my only way back, I realize too late, that my chaos and my doubts were more hopeful than an answer like this that promises pain to everyone else but me.
For sunsets you missed are not even there in the hearts of those who saw it everyday.
They walked past it, shut their windows tight, and sat in their darkest caves trying to run away from what you want so deeply.”
I almost said to him that even though it hurts, it is a hurt I would like to have- to yearn for the things that never happened.
That unlike him I yearned for things that I walked over and killed. Things that I can still see and hear in my dreams, telling me, showing me all the marks of my hatred on their skin, on their hearts. I cry for them, look for them, seek forgiveness from them when I am awake. I dread them when they find me in sleep.
I almost confessed to him that being the maker of caves, a lover of sunsets, being the one who filled half the world and half the hearts with a blindness even I can’t cure, maybe I shouldn’t be his savior, maybe I shouldn’t be relied upon for answers.
universe fireflie has tagged me in this really sweet post about ten things that make me happy. I will try to answer them to the best of my ability, but it is going to be tough. If you are aware of my writing, you would have noticed that I am more than capable of writing about sad depressing stuff. So writing about things that makes me happy is a bit weird for me. So before I make this more awkward…let’s start!!! WARNING: This is a really really long post.
In no particular order…
My Sister When I think of happiness, my sister is the first person that comes to my mind. It would be an understatement if I say that I am extremely fond of my sister. She is my favorite person in this world. I love how sweet she is, how much curiosity she has for the world, the genuine interests that we both share. Any day, anytime spent with her is bound to be filled with happiness- may it be the serene calm type of happiness or laughing out hearts out type happiness. She is crucial to my happiness. I am lucky that I happen to be the sister of my best friend. 🙂 Afterthoughts: My sister draws really well. I am so proud of her that I can’t help but promote her work here. She will probably kill me for this though. Here are the links to my sister’s work, if you are interested : WordPress, Instagram, and Youtube.
Books I love to read. I am not sure if what I read is intellectual or refined enough. But I like what I like – mostly fiction and poetry. I think reading is what led me to have love for words and even for this world. Books make me believe that there is a meaning in everything, that life is meaningful. It is the kind of assurance that life by itself has never been able to give me. I wouldn’t categorize books into a means to escape from life, but rather a new layer to life that makes me more tolerant of people and world. I love buying books, reading them, finding more books to read. Even the sight of my bookshelf, the thought of all the books that I am yet to read, even adding a new book into my “to read” list makes me feel excited. Afterthought: On that note, here is a quote from the book I am reading currently: “Running might take her forward, it could even take her home; but it couldn’t take her back–not ten minutes, ten hours, not ten years or days. And that was tough, as Hely would say. Tough: since back was the way she wanted to go, since the past was the only place she wanted to be.” ― Donna Tartt, The Little Friend
BTS I will try not to make this too long (because I know I am fully capable of turning this into a 8 hour presentation on BTS). I love BTS. I love their music, their performances, their passion, their ethics, their character, etc. I cannot possibly explain what effect they have had on my life. I would say they have deepened my passions, made me believe in the goodness in world, and made me believe in the goodness that I am capable of. My life is thousand times better with them in it. They have touched and changes millions of lives through their music, through their existence. I wish they also find the happiness that they want. I low-key love ARMY – BTS fans who have showered them with all the love they deserve and who try to protect them as much as they can. Afterthoughts: I think almost every person has one artist whose works resonates with them. BTS just happens to be that artist whose work has most effect on me. I think we should treasure that, always remember that feeling of looking at life with a person who just happens to think about life the same way we do. It is not about supremacy of one artist over other, about loving the artist that made you understand and love ourselves.
Music My love for music is equivalent to my love of books. Maybe I love music a bit more than books. Each song that I love or like is an experience in itself, those few minutes makes me forget myself and sometimes remind who I am and who I was. I can listen to the same song many many times and only to love it more. I do not have a favorite genre or anything. I think it solely depends on the song. Afterthoughts: -Even though I try to explore as many songs as possible in as many language as possible, but most of the time I am not aware of the “popular” stuff. You might even think I am living under a rock. Now, I do not believe that popular songs are bad or good. I am not a person who is against mainstream music. It is just that I am so caught up in the things that I like that I do not get time to even look at other stuff. I sort of live in my own bubble. – BTS gets its own separate point here, because my love for them is on a whole new level. Their music is awesome. But they are so much more than their music. Stanning BTS is a way of life.
Writing I think I am a person who has zero confidence in herself. I do not think I am especially gifted in anything. I am not particularly intelligent or beautiful or funny or creative. And I take writing in the same spirit. I do not think I am exceptional at writing, but I love writing. I love the fact that I can write average good stuff some days. I love the 2000 lines of drafts that will never make to a post. When I write, I love how much clearer and focused my head is. I love my writing more when someone else find comfort in my words. I agree that writing with a regular job is difficult and bit pressurizing but writing gives me such joy, that I don’t think I can possibly quit writing. Afterthoughts: I once heard about a rule that one cannot estimate themselves correctly. So I am probably worse or better than what I think I am. I hope my writing is better than what I think it is.
Internet There were so many things to list here, so I collectively grouped them as “internet”. But then who doesn’t love internet. It is sort of basic thing that a lot of us take for granted. Having access to so much content, so much information makes me happy. I love the hour that I uselessly spend on looking at memes, the hours I spend playing and upgrading stuff on games that will take me nowhere in life, the hour I spend on watching videos, all the silly hilarious stuff that I retweet at 2 am, binge reading everything about MBTI on Quora, reading random articles that I will end up forgetting anyways. Though it is just a stream of easy to consume media, but still it does make us happy in some ways. And that happiness is significant in itself. Afterthoughts: I am aware everything is not picture perfect on internet. Internet depresses us also. But with I have learnt to leave online spaces that make me feel bad about myself uselessly. I am not good with interacting with people online, that is one thing that I cannot enjoy. It is not about whether these people are friends or strangers. I just have a feeling that I have nothing to say that the other person would be interested to know about. (That’s the reason that I silently like your posts rather than leaving the comment you deserve.) I don’t like to stay online for long also. The moment I finish doing what I had in my mind, I switch off my data. Because I just can’t handle all the notifications. I like the dear old SMS to communicate rather than the new efficient apps with awesome features.
Series/Movies/Stories Watching series and movies is another joy to me, something that I spend a lot of my time on. Every thing I have watched, every character that I have watched is equivalent to a life that I have lived briefly. I don’t do binge watch though. I like some time to think over everything. That is the pace I am comfortable – to watch something and reflect on it, think about it, to anticipate what is yet to come for the whole day. I think that feeling the story grow in you as you go about your everyday life is an essential part of the whole experience, a part that adds more importance to what I am watching. Afterthoughts: Again as with music, I have no idea of the popular stuff. I just see what I end up finding. I do have list of stuff to see but that is based on word-of-mouth suggestion from people who like the same things as me. I do not have a favorite movie or series or book. Naming favorites is too tough for me. For each story, each actor, each director etc. has their own charm. That would be like comparing apples to oranges.
Everything emotional/sentimental/sort of spiritual I do not look like an emotional person, but I am. I am an INFJ with Cancer zodiac, what else can you expect but an over-sentimental person. I like anything that seeks to explore or talk about these sentiment, anything that values human emotions and shows how complicated and simple it can be. Similarly, I have same feeling about works related to spirituality. I enjoy the company of people who genuinely have something to talk on these topics. I am not into talking about people but talking about ideas. Not the ideas that change the world, but ideas that helps me understand why we feel the way we feel, ideas that give me insight into the tiny limited world. Afterthought: I think I am not one of those people who can or want to change the world. My mind never wanders into that direction. All I think about is my understanding of world and how to perfect that understanding. Sometimes I think I am a narcissist and self-absorbed person because of that.
Lazing around/Sleeping I don’t react well to stress. So I am always looking forward to a good sleep or a day without schedules or deadline. A day that I can waste away makes me happy. Even though lazing around for me again means books/music/series etc. Even when it is not busy it is still a busy life.
Being Busy As much as I like lazing around, I like being busy more. Because of my sense of being less than average and constant feeling of not being good enough. I don’t handle free time well. I feel that no one needs me, the world will work without me also. That I have nothing to offer to world. It is a very sad feeling. So I try to do my work properly, try to do by best in everything. I like the days that I have work myself to point of losing all my energy. So that I can enjoy all the things I love (everything mentioned above) without guilt. Afterthought: It is not that I cannot sit still or introspect without driving myself to the point of sadness. I like introspection a lot. But having days and weeks of time for just introspection makes me feel like a useless person.
Things that almost made to this list but didn’t (and why):
Food I used to enjoy eating a lot. I still love good food. But I can’t eat or enjoy it as I used to. Something has changed in me, maybe I am growing old. Now I don’t have that much craze for it.
Friends I don’t think I am good at friendship. I loved my friends while I was with them. But then apart from the brief time of companionship, there nothing much left of those time now. My expectation from friendship I think is a bit too much. I think in the long run friendships don’t give me happiness.
i thought… i wanted… i am always looking for… i am nothing without…
must i fill these sentences? is it compulsory to tell you where it hurts and why?
the pencil bends and breaks in my hand, but my voice won’t crack. i think a bit of my cruelty shows through everything that i do.
“have you ever wanted to be a person like me?” when i ask you this, you avoid my eyes. the often-spoken-and-never-meant words surface on your lips, “i love you for who you are, i want nothing more” sadly followed by “it is not too late to change”
I think of the clothes that are too tight or too loose for me, of my skin that doesn’t like me the way it used to. How the mirrors in my home are hidden by the growing towers of books. I wonder what this says about me? I think of the fear that I feel when I am alone, the fear that I feel when I walk into happiness. I think of the kinds of fear that fill my heart. I count them for a long time but nothing happens when I finish counting. I wonder if knowing myself is really the first step to solving my life. Do I want anything to be solved? I count the people that who no longer speak to me and half way through I remember that it was me who had thrown them away first. Silence is my weapon, not theirs. I realize I need to always hold a grudge against someone to live with strength. I wonder when this strength became so important to me. I wonder when this love that felt like a lemonade in summer actually became a commercialized product with an expiry date stamped on it before it even reaches our hands. I think of my skin by which I am stuck to a world like this. I wonder why I pretend to be better than this world by saying such stuff? Why am I so into acting all deep and philosophical? I wonder why I love to call myself broken even though I hate to be seen so? Don’t misunderstand me. I do not want answers. Answers are painful and pointless, answers are a tasteless end to the struggle that otherwise makes my heart bleed colors.
as i walk among all that should be ruins, i feel humbled. i feel stupid to think that these small sorrows of mine are something that could end this world.
i find another overused word on my lips again – promises. they remind me of promises. they remind of having something more important than ones own life. what does it even feel like to have something like that? do i even want to know?
i wonder who dreamed of a place like this, where all the birds seem to be running away from same things as me.
here, maybe here, i could forget all that i shouldn’t forget. here, maybe here is where my endless toil, my yearning meant to take me. this is good place to end, to kill my love for this world, to kill the hate i have for myself.
I am doing an award post after a long long time. What resulted in this delay? Something as simple as losing track of where I had saved the text file where I had made a list of posts to respond to. Sorry about that. 😦
Now PritAmDas had nominated me for Sunshine Blogger Award sometime in November last year (as I said, it’s been really long time). I am thankful that you remembered by blog to nominate. I am flattered to think that my blog (my work) is worth keeping in mind. Here is a link to the post:
Earlier I used to stick to the rules of awards and all. But now I am a total rebel. I only do the portion of answering questions and almost never nominate anyone these days. The thing I like most about awards is the questions. Because sometimes in answering questions I end up knowing lot about myself and you can also get to know what Nayana is like when I am not writing depressing poems. (I want to reassure you once again that my life is not as sad I write.)
So here are my answers to the questions from PritAmDas:
What do you do when you are bored of doing the same thing again and again? It is in my nature to not get bored of doing same things again and again. In fact I like routine more than adventure. So that will never happen. But there are days I don’t like doing anything, nothing interest me. Those days I don’t do anything and such days also pass. Those days very very rare though.
Do you sometimes step backward and observe? If yes.. what?? Yes, I do that a lot. I step back and observe myself, life in general, people whom I thought I knew and understood. It is a painful and enlightening thing to do, but ends up making me feel helpless because it makes me realize I can never completely know anyone, not even myself.
What you do to make your loved ones happy? I try to be in good mood, spend time doing what they like, talking to them till late night. In short, being myself and being nice is enough to keep my loved ones happy. They are pretty simple and awesome people to be around.
Tell me when you have gone out of control and behaved like a freak? That happens quite often. I mostly act like a freak when I am hungry. I overreact, shout a lot, get angry, get irritated with small things (and sometimes it is funny to witness because at that point I have no idea what I am saying and can spew lot of non-sense). So it would be correct to say, depriving me of food or being near a food deprived Nayana can be harmful for anyone’s peace of mind.
If you would have given a time machine what would you do and why? After watching all the series and drama with time travel trope, I have reached a conclusion – Time travel does no good to anyone. I do not want to change anything or meet anyone. I can’t handle the complications that come with time travel. Maybe if I can see something in past without going in past, then I may like to see how Nalanda University looked like. I have been always curious about this from childhood and not sure why. But that would be it.
What is your favorite TV series? This is very very very tough question. There are so many and even attempting to list them would be a crime. So I can share with you the series I finished watched recently and loved a lot and that would be The Package. It was a really good series about a group of people visiting France and their tour guide. It is sweet and emotional. After watching that series Mont-Saint-Michel is now on my to-visit-before-I-die list of places.
The series that I am watching again currently is Moonlovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo. It was such a good series. I am watching it for third time and it gets better every time I watch. My favorite character is Wang So.
What do you think love is? In present society? Love for me is to care and to be cared for. Love is to be stubborn and to not give up. Love is to know that this person will always stand by you no matter what. I know it doesn’t apply for everyone because for everyone love means something else. As far as present society is concerned, I do not want to comment or judge how people try to find love and be in love and how long their love last. Not only because I consider it rude, but it is insensitive as well. I have not lived their life and can never know what makes them do what they do. And to blame and criticize an age or a generation is not something I like to do. (I only complain about such things if they bug me personally)
If someone truly loves you but you don’t know due to some reason what would you do ? If I don’t know, then there is nothing for me to do in that.
If you like memes then what was your favorite and if you don’t then why? I like memes a lot, but I do not use them much. My favorite ones are that of BTS. Because they are my favorite artist/celebrities ever, so theirs are the only memes that I have in my phone. Here are some of their memes. (Not sure if it is everyone’s cup of tea, cause some of them requires context)
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Have you ever done something awkward and when asked you have denied? Then what you had done? I mispronounce words all the time. But when someone points it out, I deny having said anything wrong. I put it on them that they heard it wrong. I don’t admit my mistakes that easily,(even if I know that I have done something wrong ), that is a whole big issue of my life.
What makes you feel special? When I achieve something, finish something by my efforts, I feel that I am capable of doing something in life- that makes me feel special. I consider myself not so talented, and the only thing I am good at is hard work. When that hard work pays off, it is one the best feelings in world.
At this moment I realize that by this post I have bombarded you with lots of drama pics and BTS memes. Sorry for that, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Now since we are at the end of this post, I would like to thank PritAmDas once again for nominating me and liking my work.
Also, FrejaTravels had nominated me for Mystery Blogger Award. I want to thank them as well for it. Again I apologize for the delay. I have answered their questions in the following post : Mystery Blogger Award. (You may have to scroll a lot, till you reach “Edited on 12 March 2019”)
Edited on: September 3, 2020
Ishita Gupta has nominated me for this award on June 2020. I am really thankful to her considering me in her nominations. Means a lot. Do visit her wonderful blog.
So here are the answers to the question she had posted (I tried to answer them as truly as I can):
What do you love to do, except blogging? I love reading (mostly fiction), listening to music, watching series/movies/anime, learning languages (I am not at all good at this, as I do not have the discipline for learning on my own. It is difficult to make a a significant progress without discipline.). Apart from writing poems, I rarely do anything in terms of creating, most of what I like to do is to consume art.
Is there anything on your bucket list, which you could share with us? First thing on my bucket list is attending BTS concert. (and also to watch them succeed in life and reach the highest potential of who they can be as an artist and as a person). Other things that are there on my bucket list, that are a bit more abstract and without an end. They would be having a library full of all beautiful books and having the best collection of music, every music that is of my type, I want to know about it, to fall in love with it. I think this obsession of collecting things don’t stop with books and music, it applies to every good movie, series, animation, MVs. I think it would be easier to say I am hoarder of art and I want to enjoy this hoarding. 🙂 I am that weird person who experiences a work of art and ends up thinks the world has a bit more meaning because of its existence. I am melodramatic like that. (As I write this answer I am listening to “I LUV U” by Henry. It is a beautiful song. You can check it out if you are interested. Don’t forget to enable captions. :))
Is there any place in the world, that you desperately want to visit? Or someplace that has already captured your heart? I don’t think I have a place like that in mind. I do like the idea of visiting Korea or Japan or other countries and places that I have seen on screen. It would be nice if I could but I don’t have the yearning to go anywhere. It is almost like, if I can go, well and good; if not, then it doesn’t matter. I think rather than just visiting a place, I like the idea of living there. When I see a place that I have not been to, what goes through my mind is “What would it be like if I woke up everyday to this city? How would it feel like to go to school here? How would it be like to experience every climate this place has day by day?” I think more than sight seeing or seeing just the good and the bad of the place briefly, I am more interested in knowing how living in a certain place feels like. I guess I am curious about how other people live their life. That being said, I like to travel, but only in the right company. For me it doesn’t matter where I go, but with whom I am going. With wrong people, even the most beautiful and fun place can turn loneliest or frustrating place on earth. (I have a feeling that I have answered this question all wrong.)
Do you like reading? If yes, could you share 5 of your favourite books? I love reading. Giving recommendation for books is a really tough task. If I pick one book, it feels I have wronged some other book. So what I am listing here is not the best books ever (that list doesn’t exist for me). This is a list of book that I have either read recently or the books that are coming to my mind right now:
“Alex” by Pierre Lemaitre
“Difficult Women” by Roxane Gay
“The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky
“Crank” by Ellen Hopkins
“HYYH The Notes 1 (The Most Beautiful Moment in Life #1)” by Big Hit Entertainment
The last book “HYYH The Notes 1” is a part of Bangtan Universe storyline, a part of the story that is still going on. To completely understand and enjoy this book you would have to be familiar with this storyline that has been progressing (for few years) with music videos, songs, notes, etc. It is a rabbit hole and will take a lot of time if you want to get to know it. Just a disclaimer, that starting with this book without knowing the rest of storyline won’t be wise. But that being said experiencing HYYH story in overall is a very rewarding experience. Getting to know the incomplete story through music and lyrics and beautiful visuals and written word is a beautiful experience in its own. It makes you feel all kind of emotions. Some videos that can help you to introduce are this, this, and this.
If given a chance, would you like to change something about yourself ? If yes, what? I would like to be more confident person. I do have many faults, but I am used to them. I have to some extent realized why my faults exist and how I would rather be the person that I am, because it all makes sense. But the one thing that always causes issues for me in life is my lack of confidence. I am not sure if I will ever have that. I always thought it would get better as I grow up, but things just went worse.
What is your life mantra? Working hard. Dedicating myself to whatever you are doing. Living on emotions. Maintaining harmony. Loving passionately. Trying my best.
Do you have any weird phobias? Or any phobias? I fear every thing. I think everything can cause harm. My mind sometimes work in “Final Destination” mode. But it is not like I am running from every place, living in paranoia locked up in home. It is more of like my mind just won’t stop processing how things can go wrong, how potentially harmful everything can be. It just keeps me on my toes and makes me distrustful.
What does an empty room remind you of? It reminds of all the things that I could fill it up with. Of all the things that could change this place into a warm place one would look forward to return to. Empty room reminds me of potential of what it can be turned into.
What is your biggest pet peeve? This is the first time I have been asked this question. I have not yet given it that serious thought. But if I had to list one thing it would – people who try to force their opinion on me. I all in favor of independent thinking and I am fine if someone has a totally different opinion than mine. I am ready to discuss these differences also. But what I hate is when in that discussion people try to tell me that I am wrong and they are right and that I should adopt their thinking because it is right. We all have a certain idea or conclusive thought about a certain topic because of what we have been through, how and what we have lived through, what we have observed. When I meet someone who has totally differnt opinion than mine, I never try to convince them they are wrong. I try to get them know more, I try to understand what makes them think so, I want to know the life lived behind these ideas. I try my best to understand them without toning down my opinion on that subject. Even when they are wrong, I may tell them what lead me to have a certain belief, so they can decide for themselves if they need to revise the ideas they have. Byut what people do is they start this discussion, turn it into an argument, turn this into a stage from where they can shout out their propaganda and won’t back down till the other person gives up and backs off. I hate when people act like they will accept these difference of opinion and start these discussion but are just setting up stage to preach their own values, disregarding my experience and voice. (That is one of the reason I never start these discussion, because I know where it will all lead to.)
What’s your spirit animal? Panda.
What motivates you to write? My love for literature and art actually is a hindrance for my writing. Cause they have resulted in such high standards in my mind that nothing I write is good enough. Because of these standards I sometimes feel like destroying everything I have written till now. What makes me write is curiosity. I am curious of how I will end up writing if I continue to write. Also, there is something about writing that is addicting. Even though it is hard work, even though it sometimes turn into pure torture. But I keep coming back to it. On some days when I can overlook what literature should be and shouldn’t be, I look back at something I had written, something I had forgotten about and I feel a sense of happiness in having created something that feels so true. But that feeling lasts only for few moments before my minds switches to analysis mode and I end up seeing everything wrong with what I write. But I think having those few moments of happiness are something I could never have felt if I didn’t write.
Growing up
we become closer to the person we are not.
How shallow the facade of maturity is.
How fragile the moments when we feel a human,
how quickly they are lost.
How we grapple at the loose ends of what’s left behind.
How we ask ourselves questions
and write about person in the mirror.
How everything we want
is already in past
and everything in future
is just a compromise.
it rains in my heart 