i thought… i wanted… i am always looking for… i am nothing without…
must i fill these sentences? is it compulsory to tell you where it hurts and why?
the pencil bends and breaks in my hand, but my voice won’t crack. i think a bit of my cruelty shows through everything that i do.
“have you ever wanted to be a person like me?” when i ask you this, you avoid my eyes. the often-spoken-and-never-meant words surface on your lips, “i love you for who you are, i want nothing more” sadly followed by “it is not too late to change”
I think of the clothes that are too tight or too loose for me, of my skin that doesn’t like me the way it used to. How the mirrors in my home are hidden by the growing towers of books. I wonder what this says about me? I think of the fear that I feel when I am alone, the fear that I feel when I walk into happiness. I think of the kinds of fear that fill my heart. I count them for a long time but nothing happens when I finish counting. I wonder if knowing myself is really the first step to solving my life. Do I want anything to be solved? I count the people that who no longer speak to me and half way through I remember that it was me who had thrown them away first. Silence is my weapon, not theirs. I realize I need to always hold a grudge against someone to live with strength. I wonder when this strength became so important to me. I wonder when this love that felt like a lemonade in summer actually became a commercialized product with an expiry date stamped on it before it even reaches our hands. I think of my skin by which I am stuck to a world like this. I wonder why I pretend to be better than this world by saying such stuff? Why am I so into acting all deep and philosophical? I wonder why I love to call myself broken even though I hate to be seen so? Don’t misunderstand me. I do not want answers. Answers are painful and pointless, answers are a tasteless end to the struggle that otherwise makes my heart bleed colors.
as i walk among all that should be ruins, i feel humbled. i feel stupid to think that these small sorrows of mine are something that could end this world.
i find another overused word on my lips again – promises. they remind me of promises. they remind of having something more important than ones own life. what does it even feel like to have something like that? do i even want to know?
i wonder who dreamed of a place like this, where all the birds seem to be running away from same things as me.
here, maybe here, i could forget all that i shouldn’t forget. here, maybe here is where my endless toil, my yearning meant to take me. this is good place to end, to kill my love for this world, to kill the hate i have for myself.
I am doing an award post after a long long time. What resulted in this delay? Something as simple as losing track of where I had saved the text file where I had made a list of posts to respond to. Sorry about that. 😦
Now PritAmDas had nominated me for Sunshine Blogger Award sometime in November last year (as I said, it’s been really long time). I am thankful that you remembered by blog to nominate. I am flattered to think that my blog (my work) is worth keeping in mind. Here is a link to the post:
Earlier I used to stick to the rules of awards and all. But now I am a total rebel. I only do the portion of answering questions and almost never nominate anyone these days. The thing I like most about awards is the questions. Because sometimes in answering questions I end up knowing lot about myself and you can also get to know what Nayana is like when I am not writing depressing poems. (I want to reassure you once again that my life is not as sad I write.)
So here are my answers to the questions from PritAmDas:
What do you do when you are bored of doing the same thing again and again? It is in my nature to not get bored of doing same things again and again. In fact I like routine more than adventure. So that will never happen. But there are days I don’t like doing anything, nothing interest me. Those days I don’t do anything and such days also pass. Those days very very rare though.
Do you sometimes step backward and observe? If yes.. what?? Yes, I do that a lot. I step back and observe myself, life in general, people whom I thought I knew and understood. It is a painful and enlightening thing to do, but ends up making me feel helpless because it makes me realize I can never completely know anyone, not even myself.
What you do to make your loved ones happy? I try to be in good mood, spend time doing what they like, talking to them till late night. In short, being myself and being nice is enough to keep my loved ones happy. They are pretty simple and awesome people to be around.
Tell me when you have gone out of control and behaved like a freak? That happens quite often. I mostly act like a freak when I am hungry. I overreact, shout a lot, get angry, get irritated with small things (and sometimes it is funny to witness because at that point I have no idea what I am saying and can spew lot of non-sense). So it would be correct to say, depriving me of food or being near a food deprived Nayana can be harmful for anyone’s peace of mind.
If you would have given a time machine what would you do and why? After watching all the series and drama with time travel trope, I have reached a conclusion – Time travel does no good to anyone. I do not want to change anything or meet anyone. I can’t handle the complications that come with time travel. Maybe if I can see something in past without going in past, then I may like to see how Nalanda University looked like. I have been always curious about this from childhood and not sure why. But that would be it.
What is your favorite TV series? This is very very very tough question. There are so many and even attempting to list them would be a crime. So I can share with you the series I finished watched recently and loved a lot and that would be The Package. It was a really good series about a group of people visiting France and their tour guide. It is sweet and emotional. After watching that series Mont-Saint-Michel is now on my to-visit-before-I-die list of places.
The series that I am watching again currently is Moonlovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo. It was such a good series. I am watching it for third time and it gets better every time I watch. My favorite character is Wang So.
What do you think love is? In present society? Love for me is to care and to be cared for. Love is to be stubborn and to not give up. Love is to know that this person will always stand by you no matter what. I know it doesn’t apply for everyone because for everyone love means something else. As far as present society is concerned, I do not want to comment or judge how people try to find love and be in love and how long their love last. Not only because I consider it rude, but it is insensitive as well. I have not lived their life and can never know what makes them do what they do. And to blame and criticize an age or a generation is not something I like to do. (I only complain about such things if they bug me personally)
If someone truly loves you but you don’t know due to some reason what would you do ? If I don’t know, then there is nothing for me to do in that.
If you like memes then what was your favorite and if you don’t then why? I like memes a lot, but I do not use them much. My favorite ones are that of BTS. Because they are my favorite artist/celebrities ever, so theirs are the only memes that I have in my phone. Here are some of their memes. (Not sure if it is everyone’s cup of tea, cause some of them requires context)
Have you ever done something awkward and when asked you have denied? Then what you had done? I mispronounce words all the time. But when someone points it out, I deny having said anything wrong. I put it on them that they heard it wrong. I don’t admit my mistakes that easily,(even if I know that I have done something wrong ), that is a whole big issue of my life.
What makes you feel special? When I achieve something, finish something by my efforts, I feel that I am capable of doing something in life- that makes me feel special. I consider myself not so talented, and the only thing I am good at is hard work. When that hard work pays off, it is one the best feelings in world.
At this moment I realize that by this post I have bombarded you with lots of drama pics and BTS memes. Sorry for that, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Now since we are at the end of this post, I would like to thank PritAmDas once again for nominating me and liking my work.
Also, FrejaTravels had nominated me for Mystery Blogger Award. I want to thank them as well for it. Again I apologize for the delay. I have answered their questions in the following post : Mystery Blogger Award. (You may have to scroll a lot, till you reach “Edited on 12 March 2019”)
we become closer to the person we are not.
How shallow the facade of maturity is.
How fragile the moments when we feel a human,
how quickly they are lost.
How we grapple at the loose ends of what’s left behind.
How we ask ourselves questions
and write about person in the mirror.
How everything we want
is already in past
and everything in future
is just a compromise.