I left my thirst in your well-
the only way to get rid of it,
get rid of it I must.
For three seasons I filled it up with dirt.
I waited for rains to hide my steps, to hide what I have done.
I built few hills every time you crossed my thought.
I built it with love. I built it with anger.
I built it nonetheless.
I prayed and prayed till I couldn’t see your ghost,
till praying didn’t hurt.
I grew up a little and I grew mad a bit.
The sound of fate now rings louder in my head.
I lay on the ground,
smile at the sun
that cannot reach my heart
at the bottom of your well.
Tag Archives: rain
For a change I made breakfast for one
and didn’t cry over it.
I didn’t turn back as he packed his favorite parts
of this heavy life with me.
He didn’t ask me about the things I have hidden away.
I felt a bitter thankfulness
that my memories are mine to keep,
that my beautiful moments have been erased from his heart,
that I am not a part of his greed and schemes anymore,
that nothing in me can be ruined by him after this.
I simply stared at the milk that won’t boil
as he dragged away in his small heart
the window frames, the doors to my cold world,
the warm flame of my blue stove,
the table mats on which we spilled our hearts by mistake,
the songs that I will never be able to sing again,
the doorbell, the welcome mat, our plants
that never grew more than a millimeter
in spite of the four years
of sunlight and rain.
Mistakes. We created so much with love,
only to call them mistakes.
I heard the door close behind me,
my so called “heart” moving away without me
and all I could do was hope or pity myself.
All I could do was hate him
so that I can finally give up.
There is something beautiful about people
who lose themselves
when they lose someone.
The layer of sanity that cracks,
the heart that lets the past take over-
is a feeling I would never understand.
And all I do in such weather
for my coping mechanism to kick in,
to take the decision away from me,
and let me forget the meaning of loss.
I read another funeral in my lines of fate,
another goodbye in the text not returned,
another scene with poor lighting
standing where I would be least hurt,
saying words I do not mean,
words that go well with my rock heart-
staying true to my widely advertised image.
But I am not unfamiliar with wet cheeks and sleep that follows.
I have cried for minor cuts and burning bruises,
at the wrong weather, at the curbs on my freedom,
in the argument that felt like a arrow I can’t take out.
I have cried a bit more, a lot more
than these small disruptions in life deserve.
I wonder if they would have broken me,
would have shaken me like this
if all whom I have lost were beside me.
If everyone who hid their farewell
in their lemon scented “love you” cards
could stick by a little more,
would I have cared for
or cried for the rains that won’t stop?
As I scatter in wind
the feelings that I dare not keep.
I feel a soft kiss of understanding
asking me to stop.
If only I could.
you, my love, my sky,
my rain, my breaking heart,
the lines of my fate on my aging hands,
you, my collection of books that read me
more than i read them,
you, the beginning of my life.
i am beginning to realize
the pain of dying, the prospect of being separated
from the warmth of your back, from the
home the turns into a hurricane that centers around you,
centers around us, around the lightning in your heart.
i am told there is only darkness where i am going.
where i am going is a black hole of memories,
there i will see you and not remember who you are.
my love, i do not want to forget you like that.
the rains of these kind
that starts with loss and longing
that won’t slow down
won’t shut up
these rains are so much like me
so much like you
indifferent and cruel
i have found another song today
that somehow floats
above the static of this world
i have found another shelter
that fools me into believing
that my sadness is something i can run from
that we will stop belonging to each other
just because we decided to
I have been collecting books on building sandcastles from the the remains of things humans leave behind. This is all I have ever read – how and where to find the stones called history, how to grind them so fine that they can forget themselves.
In my hands they become another extra leg of the ever wobbling chair that already looks like a monster, the miniature castle no one can live in, the gigantic dinosaur that won’t get the chance to destroy this world, the skyless blue that will keep dripping from the ceilings as long as people want to see the rain that won’t ruin the glow of their skin.
"People burn lamps of clarified butter I've ignited the lamp of my heart. People swear on their faithfulness I've eaten the poison of separation. People lose their heart in love. People lose their heart in love. I've also lost myself. But still me getting extinguished Was liked by my beloved" -"Luttna", Cocktail
"Giving and receiving scars is part of being human And I don’t think I was really scared of that. I clashed against things like I was going to break And I don’t think I was really scared of that." -"Green Nocturne", Nell
"sometimes the roof of feeling leaks, we remember old thirst, but new clouds dance and rain, they kiss the forehead with chains of drops.. it's the time to get soaked, a new weather is standing nearby, it's a small, but big thing.." -"Dhoop Ke Makaan Sa", Break Ke Baad
"I guess that I I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart" -"We are young", Fun.
I love to hold exhibitions where people can look at something beautiful enough to make them cry and not even realizing that they are looking at something they never wanted to see again, that they are looking at themselves the way they never wanted to.
They might not understand this, but I do.
The “unnecessary” that is so easy to cast away is the only thing that their heart wants. That is the only happiness that feels like happiness.
"We imagined the future we saw together on top of that high hill where a blue wind was blowing. We launched a big paper airplane which flew anywhere, carried by the wind. You laughed loudly as you saw my distant look. Your hat was blown off by a gust of wind, so I ran to catch it" -"Control Tower", Galileo Galilei
"The headlight that shines into my heart has become completely clean. All of your memories fade out. Inside the storm, my heart is green light" -"Eraser", Taeyeon
"Cuz I taste you in every shot that I take down But I feel so hollow" -"Here Come The Regrets", Epik High
No one is innocent, no one is blameless.
Helpless they may be, ignorant more so.
But all who seek reality and stability have killed someone or something that was too weak to protect itself. That is how we become good enough, deserving, suitable to live in this world.
The ones who suffer grow up eventually. But they grow less and less each day.
So knowing this, how I am I supposed to hate these murderers? How can I not save all they burn as they cry?
"Fear takes a hold of me and my heart grows heavy. And a sigh comes out of my mouth again. Time made me into an adult, but I don’t think it made me strong. Time made me into an adult but it made me that much more of a fool" -"Green nocturne", Nell
"I am still the same person I was before I am here, the same person I was from before, but An overgrown lie is trying to swallow me whole" -"Lie", Jimin (BTS)
"Here comes the rain So many scars never fade This is the price of war And we've paid with time" -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I do not know why. I tried" -"Thunder", Boys like Girls
So when they start hearing voices, when they feel that none of their masks fit their faces filled with fear- they come to me.
As they wait reading magazines filled with faces, bodies, lives, circumstances that are better than theirs, I sculpt a lie for them.
I call it a lie, because that is easy to accept, easy to display in their living room. Unlike truth, seeing it or showing it does not involve damage estimation.
This is how I make a scratch on the face of reality even when my hands are tied. This is the only happy ending I can give them, the only happy ending they can accept.
"This field is lined with the brave Souls in relief We'll fight fight till there's nothing left to say (Whatever it takes) Fight fight till your fears, they go away" -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope I'm wrapped up in vines I think we'll make it out But you just gotta give me time Strike me down with lightning Let me feel you in my veins I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain" -"Thunder", Boys like Girls
"So if by the time the bar closes And you feel like falling down I'll carry you home" -"We are young", Fun.
No one is innocent, no one is blameless.
But they are weak. We are weak.
I need to save them. So they can save me somehow.
In their tears, I see the tears that I have not learnt to shed.
"Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again" -"Just Give me a Reason", Pink
"We fight, fight till we see another day. Whatever it takes." -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Carry me home tonight" -"We are young", Fun.
told me about rain
that might turn to snow
which might turn to pain in my knees,
it might turn into wishing for summer
(summer is always you lying on couch tired
cursing gods for seasons you hate),
it might move my hands towards the pills
that rarely save anyone needing saving
(i really don’t trust pills
if you are not the one handing them to me).
today’s forecast tells me i should stay in,
stay away from stepping out of myself,
that in my world only minefields of you are remaining.
i know what is right for me
and you obviously are not.
you are not good for me.
take it any way you want.
but it is raining outside.
i let myself miss you a bit.
today, the world is breaking apart silently.
today, i am vanishing.
today, i am less hungry for everything.
today i am too tired to be me.
too tired to wish you well.
i let myself resent you a bit as well.