“My place in this cruel landscape” – Nayana Nair

when i stood

in front of the respected uncaring adults
who could never see me,

beside the fickle-minded fun-seeking friends
who smoked ‘idgaf attitude’ every night,

holding the hands
of the demanding demeaning frightening voice
of the one i wanted to love,
the one i almost loved,

i knew how to smile.
i knew how to let them off the hook.
i knew how to care for all those
who don’t have to care for such things.

and so i make it through another day,
another month, another year,
trying not to break anyone anymore,
trying not to abandon anyone,

making a list of all things that were once beautiful about them,
convinced that this imperfect me deserves only suffocating relationships,
careful not to see hope in any short-lived moment of affection.

“TONIGHT” -Nayana Nair

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There is a lot

I have to ask for.

A lot I have to pray.

Knowing love is not enough

To live a life.

I’d rather ask for respect.

I’d rather ask for understanding.

I’d rather have a heart that adores me.

I’d rather have a heart that feels my pain.

I’d rather ask for friendship.

I’d rather beg for care.

Love is meant to be all this.

But somehow it isn’t.

Tonight I won’t ask for all

That I have lost to love.

Tonight I won’t ask

For a change of heart, a miracle.

For tonight, sleep will be enough.

Is that too much to ask?