The food tastes better today. The light today falls just right into me. “This would be a day like no other”, I thought as someone wished me a happy day on radio before playing a song that shredded my remaining patience into bright bitter words that fit me better. And now armed with an unreasonable and off-putting frown I walk towards the house where my love lived. I knew on a day like this she would still be somewhere far away from every world of mine and my knocks would bounce back from everything of hers she didn’t want. I stood there talking to my friends who differ from me only in the fact that they don’t have to walk this world in hope and fear of change. I pick another flower which will definitely end with “she remembers me, not“ “she will return, not“ “she is here, not“ As my shoulders melts to fit the memory of her outline, the song changes to something that refuses to end with “i will forget her eventually“ “i will be fine like everybody else“ “i will find what it means to be me, by myself“ and something about that was relieving. The false belief that I will be stuck in time even if it was with a memory of her, with false hopes sounded better than hearing the approaching steps of the day that will cure me of her.
As I climb, my steps remembered the shoes I once had the ones that didn’t hurt so much and how hands of mine that hacked through them just to become my own person, some sort of grown-up. I climbed over the yellow soft dress and the light that it caught just to get this, this body that looks held together but is not (this body knows only how to fall apart), just to get few more shadows that ruin my beautiful wrist with their persistent passion. They claw through me, to see how I am made, how I look and speak once I break. A stranger once left me at the bottom of a black pond and called it love just so that I won’t cry and in return I called him my love just for few breaths, just for my life. I climbed over the right to mean the word “love” thereafter and the dream of knowing a heart other than mine. I breathe as if I have sinned yet I walk like I am happiness and determination in flesh. I cling to all the bitter bits of this world as if they would ultimately save me. I climb over, get over, and forget so easily, so bitterly that each feeling of mine is just a shade of resentment.
i try not to think about the places that are lost and evaporated only leaving clouds of colorless memories floating on my not so blue sky
places that are lost not only to me but to this world now no one will ever know the sweetness of the light that was never beautiful enough to be captured and framed light that is only beautiful only in its death beautiful only when it rises up without a reason on the surface of our eyes
how my eyes miss seeing everything that now cannot be seen my eyes wake up from the dream of yesterday into this new day that i must write feeling that again i have lost something, something meaningful in that dream that will never return to me a dream that i have no right to dream again
i try not to think about such losses losses with name or reason or heartache but no matter how much try some days that is all i can think about
There is something beautiful about people who lose themselves when they lose someone. The layer of sanity that cracks, the heart that lets the past take over- is a feeling I would never understand. And all I do in such weather is wait. Wait for my coping mechanism to kick in, to take the decision away from me, and let me forget the meaning of loss.
I read another funeral in my lines of fate, another goodbye in the text not returned, another scene with poor lighting standing where I would be least hurt, saying words I do not mean, words that go well with my rock heart- staying true to my widely advertised image.
But I am not unfamiliar with wet cheeks and sleep that follows. I have cried for minor cuts and burning bruises, at the wrong weather, at the curbs on my freedom, in the argument that felt like a arrow I can’t take out. I have cried a bit more, a lot more than these small disruptions in life deserve.
I wonder if they would have broken me, would have shaken me like this if all whom I have lost were beside me. If everyone who hid their farewell in their lemon scented “love you” cards could stick by a little more, would I have cared for or cried for the rains that won’t stop?
As I scatter in wind the feelings that I dare not keep. I feel a soft kiss of understanding asking me to stop. If only I could.
he sings the most beautiful song. so beautiful that the sky becomes a reflection of the heart that he can barely carry in himself. the words on his lips they break, they sound different, feel different, they sound like the first cry of a baby- the violent coming to life. they run and collide and shatter against the rough indifferent surface of this dying world, a not-so-bad world. he becomes a not-so-bad singer. as he runs out of breath and love someone places a coin of gold in his hands. he means to feel grateful for this compensation, but all he can do is hold his tongue, hold his tears. hold his bitterness in himself and sing another song dreaming, waiting for an honest reply, a genuine care, an understanding gaze in return for laying bare his humanness.
The sandstorm is just another setting for this story to continue. There are no trees in our desert that could be broken. There are only lights that learn to flicker, there is only skin that knows what this wind carries, there are only roads that will drown.
With half closed eyes you walk out to search for what you have left behind. With half closed door I wait for you to return. I find another quote in another book foretelling the loveless life that will continue henceforth. Another book, another friend I must burn for speaking the truth, for wanting my best.
I am destined to die on the night of a full moon without a reason, without a witness, with a piece of broken mirror becoming a new part of my body- another prophesy that I wish you had not gifted me.
Three fairies sleep in our bed, who do not yet know the violence of your broken heart. I hope you get what you cry for, I hope you forget our names, I hope this storm saves us from every moon, every sky. I hope this storm saves us from you.
From the corner of my eye I see you smile, I see it fade. I see you fade.
From the corner of my eye falls a tear, as I run into my mistakes, run into my cruel words, as I try to find you, in this place where you once lead me by my hand.
In every space, in every memory, in every version of our past where you promised you would always stay even if we part. You look a bit more tired. I look a bit more impatient. This is not the reality I lived. This is not the love I had.
Tell me, even if it changes nothing, tell me that I once had your heart, that there are moments you want to return to even when you don’t want me back.
And every morning I hear wind, I hear birds, I hear children play around in me. I am filling myself with everything that reminds me of what I really am. I let my heart do what it wants, my heart wants no part in this remaking of me. It starts it’s days praying for your return and goes to sleep, thankful that you won’t.
twenty-six steps away from the cold end, we stand together as if we are both looking at a foe we must defeat together. a child passes us by with a yellow balloon. how misplaced it seems, this child in this place made of storms.
this is something i don’t want to do. our steps will fade into the deep end of this lake while the mother in me would summon the face of this child as a hope of what i could have had if I could endure a little bit more.
an invisible small hand curls around my fingers as your voice falters and you mess up our last song. the ghost of your future, whatever face they may have, have also arrived. so i put back the sweater on and you check the calls you must return as the ones who intend to live on only do.
Ages ago, I did a course of 48 hours on saving people (as if saving was that easy). There were lots of questions, none that I could answer truthfully. I sat through confessions, lot of confessions. I sat there distancing myself from everything I had the potential to be- the one who clutched her handkerchief too tight, the one whose gaze seems like a hammer, itching to crush and break. And like the pathetic person I am, I only thought “Where should I run to now?”
I would return to a sad room to sleep (thank god it was never to be my home), I would wake up and find myself staring at slideshows that I tried hard not to see or find myself cooking up stories of life that won’t put me on that stage, won’t sound like a cry.
“Is this how this saving business would continue to be?”, I wondered as I left those 48 hours behind. “Is this all I can do?”, I asked myself as I finally wept for hours.