I hate to admit this to myself
but I can’t quite understand you.
At worst, I judge your unreasonable feelings
and your self-indulgence.
Often I step away and try hard to feel your pain
and yet it escapes me.
Whatever I imagine is the landscape of your heart is,
it is never quite correct.
Something really important,
probably a loss that I have never faced,
is missing from my understanding.
“this is not how i should be”-
I end up thinking this every time when I think of you.
When you say “you won’t understand”,
I once again realize how insufficient I am.
Because you are right.
Because I can’t understand.
I wonder if one day I can do something more than just loving you.
I wonder if one day I can see you as you want to be seen.
Tag Archives: see
I hate to admit this to myself
Was it 5 years ago, or 6
that we all sat together
looking at the bright beginning
of another series of setbacks
that we were becoming.
The coldness of the wood,
the ruffle of papers, the moment before
we learned to truly hate ourselves.
I miss that.
As we stood waiting in line
for something to take away
everything we were just beginning to see,
I remember thinking,
“I wish I could spend my youth here.
In this moment, with these people.
I am nothing to them, they are nothing to me.
But we are good for each other.
This can never be made again.”
At that moment I knew
they will make my heart ache
for a long time.
In the years that followed
I saw them,
the people who carried the faces
of the ones
I liked enough not to love.
“What’s wrong?” I wanted to ask them
but all I could do was smile
and let my smile tell them
“I will see you for what you were.
At least that I can do for you.
The beauty of your innocence and hope
I will remember it forever.”
the i cannot see you
without this night,
for you are not my sun
but only it’s reminder.
i can be the person you love
only as long as you love be back,
as long as my heart wants to forget the past
and the owner of my heart.
in your glory
i always fall short.
i yearn to love someone like me,
someone who plans the escape route
while uttering the words
of half-hearted embellished confession.
i don’t want to be healed
my scars are my name
that i fear to lose
as much as i fear losing you
as much as you want me
you should learn to hate me more
your benefit of doubt is wasted on me
as is your love.
i have so many reasons
and so many feelings
that are at war with each other-
a war that i wish you’d win somehow.
i do love you
in some conditional yet selfless way,
there is a sincerity in my love-
a sincerity that won’t do your heart any good.
All the lights that were meant to light the way,
end up looking like spotlights fragmenting the world.
Fragments so beautiful
that I never bothered with moving
towards the place I was meant to go;
that I sit here, saying goodbye to people
who hope to see me wherever they will end up at.
But we won’t be seeing each other.
I let them hope anyway.
That hope makes them smile brighter.
that’s the way I want to remember them,
that’s the way I want to remember this world.
It is not easy though – to love all who love to keep walking
and to love my small place and my small heart
at the same time.
It is easier for everyone – for the one who must stay
and the one who must walk
to think of empty hands as freedom
however hollow it might feel.
I have been collecting books on building sandcastles from the the remains of things humans leave behind. This is all I have ever read – how and where to find the stones called history, how to grind them so fine that they can forget themselves.
In my hands they become another extra leg of the ever wobbling chair that already looks like a monster, the miniature castle no one can live in, the gigantic dinosaur that won’t get the chance to destroy this world, the skyless blue that will keep dripping from the ceilings as long as people want to see the rain that won’t ruin the glow of their skin.
"People burn lamps of clarified butter I've ignited the lamp of my heart. People swear on their faithfulness I've eaten the poison of separation. People lose their heart in love. People lose their heart in love. I've also lost myself. But still me getting extinguished Was liked by my beloved" -"Luttna", Cocktail
"Giving and receiving scars is part of being human And I don’t think I was really scared of that. I clashed against things like I was going to break And I don’t think I was really scared of that." -"Green Nocturne", Nell
"sometimes the roof of feeling leaks, we remember old thirst, but new clouds dance and rain, they kiss the forehead with chains of drops.. it's the time to get soaked, a new weather is standing nearby, it's a small, but big thing.." -"Dhoop Ke Makaan Sa", Break Ke Baad
"I guess that I I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart" -"We are young", Fun.
I love to hold exhibitions where people can look at something beautiful enough to make them cry and not even realizing that they are looking at something they never wanted to see again, that they are looking at themselves the way they never wanted to.
They might not understand this, but I do.
The “unnecessary” that is so easy to cast away is the only thing that their heart wants. That is the only happiness that feels like happiness.
"We imagined the future we saw together on top of that high hill where a blue wind was blowing. We launched a big paper airplane which flew anywhere, carried by the wind. You laughed loudly as you saw my distant look. Your hat was blown off by a gust of wind, so I ran to catch it" -"Control Tower", Galileo Galilei
"The headlight that shines into my heart has become completely clean. All of your memories fade out. Inside the storm, my heart is green light" -"Eraser", Taeyeon
"Cuz I taste you in every shot that I take down But I feel so hollow" -"Here Come The Regrets", Epik High
No one is innocent, no one is blameless.
Helpless they may be, ignorant more so.
But all who seek reality and stability have killed someone or something that was too weak to protect itself. That is how we become good enough, deserving, suitable to live in this world.
The ones who suffer grow up eventually. But they grow less and less each day.
So knowing this, how I am I supposed to hate these murderers? How can I not save all they burn as they cry?
"Fear takes a hold of me and my heart grows heavy. And a sigh comes out of my mouth again. Time made me into an adult, but I don’t think it made me strong. Time made me into an adult but it made me that much more of a fool" -"Green nocturne", Nell
"I am still the same person I was before I am here, the same person I was from before, but An overgrown lie is trying to swallow me whole" -"Lie", Jimin (BTS)
"Here comes the rain So many scars never fade This is the price of war And we've paid with time" -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I do not know why. I tried" -"Thunder", Boys like Girls
So when they start hearing voices, when they feel that none of their masks fit their faces filled with fear- they come to me.
As they wait reading magazines filled with faces, bodies, lives, circumstances that are better than theirs, I sculpt a lie for them.
I call it a lie, because that is easy to accept, easy to display in their living room. Unlike truth, seeing it or showing it does not involve damage estimation.
This is how I make a scratch on the face of reality even when my hands are tied. This is the only happy ending I can give them, the only happy ending they can accept.
"This field is lined with the brave Souls in relief We'll fight fight till there's nothing left to say (Whatever it takes) Fight fight till your fears, they go away" -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope I'm wrapped up in vines I think we'll make it out But you just gotta give me time Strike me down with lightning Let me feel you in my veins I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain" -"Thunder", Boys like Girls
"So if by the time the bar closes And you feel like falling down I'll carry you home" -"We are young", Fun.
No one is innocent, no one is blameless.
But they are weak. We are weak.
I need to save them. So they can save me somehow.
In their tears, I see the tears that I have not learnt to shed.
"Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again" -"Just Give me a Reason", Pink
"We fight, fight till we see another day. Whatever it takes." -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Carry me home tonight" -"We are young", Fun.
The sun in your eyes sets so slowly. I need to remind myself that this is not the end. This is not the end. This is not the end. This is but a chasm left open for the love to see. For the love to see and for this love to grow into the darkness we hide from each other, from this world, from our own eyes. She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me today, tomorrow she may not, she will love me as long as she can. These are the words I got to say and suffer over, again and again. These are the words that made me walk a little bit more. Is there anything more beautiful than this? That you were the light, the wind, the silence, the flickering hope in my heart. How can I lose you, when you are all that I am.