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I love
and wait to be loved
only to feel “Maybe I am not that bad”.
I wonder what that says
about who I am as a person.
In love
I can’t help but put my all,
put up the act of selflessness,
of fierceness.
Be the creature of passion
that I rarely am by myself.
How terribly normal I look
in the arms of my shape-shifting beloved.
How terrible it makes me feel-
this normal love,
that I can never get by being myself.
but love
the i cannot see you
without this night,
for you are not my sun
but only it’s reminder.
but love
i can be the person you love
only as long as you love be back,
as long as my heart wants to forget the past
and the owner of my heart.
but love
in your glory
i always fall short.
i yearn to love someone like me,
someone who plans the escape route
while uttering the words
of half-hearted embellished confession.
but love
i don’t want to be healed
my scars are my name
that i fear to lose
as much as i fear losing you
but love
as much as you want me
you should learn to hate me more
your benefit of doubt is wasted on me
as is your love.
but love
i have so many reasons
and so many feelings
that are at war with each other-
a war that i wish you’d win somehow.
but love
i do love you
in some conditional yet selfless way,
there is a sincerity in my love-
a sincerity that won’t do your heart any good.
I do not know how to help you.
I am used to relying on you,
to make everything right.
You are supposed to be the strongest one.
Or were you always like this?
Was your strength a make-belief,
my excuse
for not caring,
for not doing anything.
I do not know how to hold your hand
when you refuse to be held.
I am confused if you really mean it
when you ask to be left alone.
Teach me through your tears,
who you are, when you are not my pillar.
I couldn’t help but to love you,
this you,
that from your darkness pushed me away,
tried to save me from my choices.
***
When I told you that I loved you
for your selfless honestly,
you made up your mind to leave.
***
You told me as you packed your bag
that all honesty is not selfless,
that while you pushed me away
you knew that I would love you even more.
***
As a goodbye you braided my hair
with the flowers of your tear.
You left me with a letter,
when you robbed me of your shadow,
with ink dipped in concern,
saying that you wanted me to be better than
your second chance,
a daily pill to forget what you are,
a shoulder to bear your burden.
That only by rejecting the luxury
of being loved unconditionally,
could you ever learn to love
and see me as a human
who can bleed by loving too much.
That your leaving might be the only true gesture
that shows what you feel for me,
that it is the only thing you can do for me.
The empty pit
Where skeleton of betrayed expectation lie,
turning to ash.
The empty cupboard
haunted by ghosts of abandonment
of things that were taken
by those who left their love behind.
The place where everything could be
but nothing is.
I am that place.
A place filled with a ‘lack’.
So I guessed it would be easier
to fill those spaces with you.
With your glances and your words.
By devouring the air you breathed.
Hoping it will slip into this nothingness
and make it something.
That your tears will seep into my skin
to fill the space that was left behind
when everyone has had a piece of me.
But the lapping waves of your being
soon turned to an endless ocean.
From where I couldn’t find my way back.
The beautiful shimmering ocean
where I drown, where I couldn’t breathe.
The place where there exists nothing but you
not even me.
it rains in my heart 