“What I Remember (11)” – Nayana Nair

beauty may be only skin deep
but lack of it goes deeper than that.
so deeper
that you end up learning to want things
that you wouldn’t otherwise even think about.
i wish i could remember every face
that was surprised to know
that i am okay with looking older than i am,
surprised that i do not want to exorcise fats
especially when i have got so much of it.
every morning i wake up
they hover over me like faceless shadows
with black markers, drawing over my body
showing me all that is wrong,
giving me tips so that i can become easy to look at,
hiding their superficiality under the wraps of concern,
whispering how thick-skinned i am when i don’t listen
and wondering what is wrong with the ones who love me.
it made me wonder
that maybe going under the knife
wouldn’t be as bad as being smeared black by markers.
that maybe i am supposed to love myself
only after the world approves of the ‘me’ that i want to love.
i would have understood if they cared,
if they actually meant good,
but they don’t
because they know nothing more than my name
and they say my name only with heart-breaking adjectives and assumptions.
i want to say they are wrong,
but i have suffered their gaze for so long
that sometimes i end up sharing their hatred of me, of what they see.
there are days that i obsess over a passing comment.
there are days i beat up myself for being like this.
i starve and fail,
i try to get over their words and fail,
i try to hate myself and fail.
i want to say it doesn’t matter
but it does
because i am tiring myself out
by trying to see something good in me,
by apologizing to myself,
by trying to save my heart
while they burn my body in the woods.

“Passing Amusement” – Nayana Nair

I told myself
I just needed some answers
to solve this life.
So that I can untangle my feelings from this world,
from the shadows of people
I am maintaining by my wavering light.
But when nothing got solved
and the problems became too familiar
to be thrown away from my life.
I told myself I was searching
for an explanation.
Just a statement
that helped me make peace with what I got in life.
That if I could have those reasons,
then I believed my pain would dull.
But it didn’t and it won’t.
Now when I look at the world
with a passing amusement at my sadness,
I know my searching is the only thing
keeping me from severing my ties
from this world I so badly want to leave.

“Out all night”- Nayana Nair

Every night
I saw that girl
who roamed the dark streets
with eyes filled with smoke
and feet swaying with confusion and power.
With clothes that reminded me of night sky.
She was out all night
to paint the world
in the color
of her black beautiful broken heart.
The many masks of her
hung by her wrist.
They smile, sneer and look down
at the faceless shadows
that are bound to disappear.
And though it always puzzled me
how she could smile,
after breaking so many people.
I finally understood
how it could be so hollow
and so fulfilling at same time.
I finally understood all this
the morning when I woke up as her.

“INFINITE NIGHT”- Nayana Nair

The shadows didn’t exist nor any shades,

It was dark and black that never fades

Sounds,whisper,laughter and lament

Of people like me who came and went.

The dark didn’t frighten nor depress me,

For it was like this, from the time I’ve seen

From people I heard of lights and rainbows,

Things all have heard and no one knows.

We kept walking aimlessly and directionless

We kept walking cause that’s the only thing to do.

Sometimes I’d bump into sweet sounding people,

People who like me had always been walking.

We talked of things not-yet-ours,

of days not-yet-come

Of things that would change our lives

Of things that would bring our death.

And heard tales of light,

weaved in hope and lies

Of hanging drop of light,

That carries the weight of the night.

And we never spoke of our walk,

Of the times we’d fallen,

Of times we trampled people

In search of the light.

I guess that was what

The darkness was about.

To move forward in spite of all.

To reach a fine moment

In this infinite night

When we no longer have to walk.

Till another darkness engulfs us all.

Loneliness

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