if i could understand you somehow
i am sure my feelings would make sense
something in you is at odds with you
something in you makes me hate you
but as you pretend that you are stronger than your monster
i pretend that my love is bigger than any wrong that you can do to me
that’s our game
that’s our love
i pretend even when i hold you through your nightmares
i pretend even when i realize i am weaker than my love
for when you take my name in between the storm of your sobs
i realize i can keep walking to you
through my own breakdown
i can keep walking towards you
as long as you take my name
and people move on
as if they don’t hear the sobs.
as though open wide world
is a collection of soundproof rooms.
as if words, love and feelings
are comfortable furniture
they bought for cheap.
as if all i am allowed to be,
all you are allowed to be-
is a milestone in each other’s life.
I lose memory of the nights
when you crept up the walls of my life.
When you planted the seeds of doubt
and made my each step wary
and my words full of fear.
One day I woke up knowing
that I was not me, but you.
I was living the second chance of your life.
I could no longer make the decisions
that I want to make.
I just had to stay clear
of all your mistakes.
That was my map.
seemed hazy and inconsequential
in front of your plans.
But how long can we bear
the weight that no one put on us,
that we stole from their stories and silent sobs.
How much of our life is ours?