She let go of me and took a step back, as I ran around all the space that would be me, all the life that would be ours.
From far away – the closest far away, she looked at my childish smile. She smiled a bit more, and I felt that, the lovely curves of her lips on my heart. Her smile always miraculously makes me breathe more easily.
In this room, in this warmest freedom that she has weaved from the most colorful threads of her spirit, here, I see her for all she tries to be, for all she is thereby. Here, I want to be seen her. Here, I want to be something more than my wants, something more meaningful than just free.
I move back into her embrace and ask her to take anything, anything beautiful she finds in me, to keep all my goodness, however few, in her care. I wanted her to grace a part of me with her identity, I wanted my existence to be inseparable from hers. But her will, her love turned out to be greater than mine. Even when I left a part of me in hers, she refused to call it hers, the world punished me, for my greed, by calling her mine.
In every country, in every city, on every street stands a home that could have been ours. I am a daydreamer like that As I passed the house with an always crying child, as I passed the house with the overwhelming smell of incense, as I passed the house with singing reality shows played on repeat I only thought of the life we could have there. In my mind, we fit every house, we fit every role. Even if our body was stripped of every muscles and every bone even if we put back together the wrong way, even if we our heart were to be rearranged, in my mind we would still fall in love. That is how we had molded the spirit of our love- to be stubborn (if not right or just). But now there are years when I don’t remember you, and yet there is no sadness in me that is capable of ruining me. You are gone and I am trying to grieve for something I don’t particularly miss. As I pass the houses where our stories used to be staged I realize they are again the buildings of strangers that I am supposed to keep my mind away from. My sadness selfishly keeps uttering, “I need to love someone, someone who won’t do this to me. I need to love someone, to believe in love again.” I reach home with bloody nails and bruised fingers leaving behind bricks with our names scratched out.
The memories I burnt away have turned into spirits, into thoughts that hold me back from naming and keeping this happiness that sits at my doorstep, waiting for my love. And though the shadows of my past are tied to my legs, though they rattle on empty roads and never let the the dust of my life settle. But ‘it is not so bad’ is also a sentence that I have learnt to say with ease and I sometimes even mean those words as they leave my mouth. For there is a doorstep where a heart like yours waits for me to heal, your wait makes the plant of trust grow in my heart again. Every morning I find myself, my lips a bit closer to the the words that only you deserve to hear.
The light that drips from your skin
feels like sunlight frozen.
As you float among the spirits
of far away desolate planets,
who have found home in you,
who like me have found you too full of life.
You walk to me,
hold me close and bury your fire
in my heart. The mountain and the sea
that belong to you,
have erased the life
that I’ve lived before.
On the path lined with trees-
their shade and your joys
becoming just memories with approaching night.
You walk to me,
you hold me close and bury your face
your regrets, your tears in my skin
and give me a moment of the future I can never have.
And soon I see you dissolve in the sea foam,
in the waters where we were born.
I find my hands filled with your share of happiness
and sky filled with flowers that once grew in your hands.