I wanted to tell him
“You have not lost much.
For sunsets you missed
are not even there in the hearts of those
who saw it everyday.
They walked past it,
shut their windows tight,
and sat in their darkest caves
trying to run away from what you want so deeply.”
I almost said to him
that even though it hurts,
it is a hurt I would like to have-
to yearn for the things that never happened.
That unlike him I yearned for things
that I walked over and killed.
Things that I can still see and hear
in my dreams, telling me, showing me
all the marks of my hatred on their skin, on their hearts.
I cry for them, look for them,
seek forgiveness from them when I am awake.
I dread them when they find me in sleep.
I almost confessed to him
that being the maker of caves, a lover of sunsets,
being the one who filled half the world and half the hearts
with a blindness even I can’t cure,
maybe I shouldn’t be his savior,
maybe I shouldn’t be relied upon for answers.
Wave after wave of blue marble
swept me up to a newer height.
I saw a sunset over avalanches
frozen and melting.
I saw the planes of memory
flying in a windless sky.
I walked through the garden
of trees laden with fruits of snow.
I came to love the momentary world
of the songs
that you often hum.
There was once a boy
who looked at my freckles
and told me that they were
autumn leaves in winter skies.
That I am a sunset to cherish
and a storm to pet.
Who looked at my words
and told me, that
he could find all the things
he has lost in his life
in my words.
He told me
the day he loses me
he will lose much more than that.
There is a blue tinted haze
to the memories of you,
that have a habit of changing colors,
before get to grasp them.
I have lost many words.
I have forgotten words you once said
and now a silent motion picture
runs in my head,
where your eyes question me,
why I do not understand.
I have lost many days.
I have no recall of the
collection of hours and seconds
that you will never forget.
But still I am at peace
to have you,
and to loose your memories.
To have this blank beautiful room,
that you can paint forever
in the colors you want,
while I look out dazed
into the sunset,
fearing the day
my memories would return.
Let’s sit in the crowded, tightly packed train.
with people we are partially curious and partially indifferent about.
Let’s be stripped of all luxuries money can afford.
Let’s for once force ourselves into suffering for few hours.
Let our legs hurt from sitting for hours,
and sleep rest on our eyelids, but never reach our eye.
Let’s witness the sun set on a land
we will never set foot on.
Let’s look at small hills
and wonder at the enormity of mountains
we have never seen.
Let’s get bored to death.
Let’s have no other way of amusing ourselves
than too look inside,
go though of what all we have hidden,
what we wanted to avoid.
Pull out each buried emotion and secret.
And when the trunk is almost empty.
Let’s find the happiness we have been looking for.
Let’s be at peace for a moment.