“I guess my life hasn’t always been happy, or easy, or exactly what I want. At a certain point, I just have to try not to think too much about certain things, or else they’ll break my heart.”
― Jonathan Franzen
This is a thought I can relate with but not know why. I am not entirely sure whether the interests that I have actually catch my attention, or I am trying to pile up more things to distract me from looking at things that might upset me. It is not that I try to avoid problems. I do face the problems in my life (most of them), take them up as challenge, try to find solution. But I do all this with an attitude of an onlooker. I do not engage myself emotionally in that, even if (especially when) it is about my own life. But one thing I know about myself is that I take everything personally, I am anxious about all small things, so sometimes even I am amazed at how coolly and with a disturbing nonchalance I handle the bigger issues of my life. I might be going through a really hard time, and would be enjoying everything as I normally do, I keep myself so busy with things (sometimes with ridiculously irrelevant things ) that I do not have to think about how I feel about all this. I do not want to see how I am affected by it, for I know every small thing affects me in ways no one would understand. But knowing that and facing that are two different things. I do not want to ask myself questions that I do not have answers to, whose answers even if I know will be more difficult for me to handle. I do confront my feelings and act them out, only when I am pushed to. That’s when I loose my cool. When I do loose my cool, when I get into why rather than what, I turn into this hysterical person that I don’t want to be.
And here is why this confuses me more, one of the reason that I write is so that I can see all these feelings without having to claim them as mine. I can write about feelings of a character and somewhere in his pain flows my pain, so much that they become inseparable. It is not about me, but it is still about me.
But I do not try to change myself, I believe the way I behave and deal with things are the best possible way to deal with this life of mine. Something that works for me, even if at times it is ridiculous.
And this is exactly what I think about myself:
“He couldn’t figure out if she was immensely well adjusted or seriously messed up.”
― Jonathan Franzen
“We are inseparable from our deepest want and fear: to be seen as we are.”
This quote is from one of my favorite blogs of all time. I just love each and every line this writer (Luna, that’s her name on Twitter) has ever written. It was so difficult to chose this one specifically. I admire her writing a lot.
This quote always reminds me of how we can fear what we want. How they can be the same thing. If I speak for myself, I am always suffering this dilemma when I write anything. I want to be heard, to be understood. I want to put my abstract feelings into something more concrete. Sometimes what I write is not what I feel, but what I suppose or imagine a person would feel. But at the same time there are so many lines I cross out, so many lines I would prefer no one reads, cause it reveals too much about me or my thinking. Confessional writing is something I guess I can (will) never do. I am too afraid to be actually heard or seen for what I am. But I can’t stop writing (even if I am very bad at it).
Here we are at the end of 3 days quote challenge. I am glad that you liked the quotes I shared. But as you may have notice I missed out on giving nominees for the challenges in my previous post (somehow I forgot about that) . So time for nominees for this challenge :
Quotes and More
Once again thank you O’Shine ORIGINAL once again for nominating me for this challenge.
O’Shine ORIGINAL (who has a lovely blog) nominated me for Three Day Quote challenge (long long back). Thank you for nominating me. 🙂
Here’s a link to his post : https://oshineoriginal.wordpress.com/2016/10/02/two-in-one/
“This was the recognition of the freedom of every man to think, to feel, and to look at things in his own way; the recognition of the impossibility of altering a man’s conviction by words.”
– War and Peace
I love this quote. Read War and Peace an year ago. Although it is a long long read. It’s worth reading. Leo Tolstoy is one of my favorite writers. Its not just the story that is engrossing but the honest observation he makes about life in general.
I won’t say that this quote changed me. But it definitely gave me an aim what I would want to change in myself. The idea that every person should be allowed to think or feel whatever they want to and any attempt to do so is futile. You can convince them but that will just be a temporary alteration in his belief system. One can’t feel something just because they should feel it or want to feel it. It reminds me of another quote by Gandhi (I don’t remember it word to word, just the gist of it) : You cannot force someone to realize the truth, truth must be realized, not forced.
And my opinion is that everyone is biased. They give preference to their own way of thinking. And while we may be busy trying to convince someone of how wrong they are, we fail to notice that there is as much chance that we may be equally wrong ;if there is something ‘wrong’ in the world. As I read somewhere: The opposite of an absolute truth is another absolute truth.
So lets stop trying to change everyone and let them live the way they want live.