“All this for nothing” – Nayana Nair

.

And this is the sorry sorry state
in which I find myself
after everything is done.
The checklist can now be torn
and thrown away in this trash can
that sits like a queen in this empty street.
And I sit like an attendant beside it
filled with vomit and dread
and thoughts of “now what? now what?
now what?” circling my head
like vultures who prey on words born out of
insecurities. Insecurities that should have died long ago
if not for the people who love you
and who need you to have these flaws
to feel comfortable around you.

They are so convinced that they will drown
that the only thing they promise you is a death together
and it is actually very romantic…
to see them take a knife and peel of a layer of their skin
and hand it back to you so that you can do the same to them,
so you can smile at each other, convincing each other,
that this is what everyone does,
this is what goes on in everyone’s life,
that this is somehow normal,
that this is love.
Because it was still better than every other hollow feeling
that you get from this world
that would only leave you wanting for god-knows-what.

This is the road of betterment though.
So things have changed a lot. I don’t handle knives anymore.
I don’t leave my body unattended in hands of strangers.
I don’t curse at people who tell me that I need help
(though I still feel that I should give them an earful).
I have forced my way out of that life.
I have quit my demons. I have quit lOvE.
I have quit things that hurt me with the promise of life.
It is almost the end.

It was supposed to be fine now. But now,
no matter how much I ring the door of better life,
no one answers.
It is night and I hear voices calling me back.
There are people out there that I have promised to die with
and they will be here for me anytime.
And if I see them, I will probably walk into their arms
and all this will be for nothing.
I know I shouldn’t be crying over this.
If anything the world of sanity
seems to be as unreliable and as irresponsible
as my friends who fill their head with smoke
and drive into the nearest wall.

“VOICES”- Nayana Nair

And for the times I’ve hurt you,

and have made you feel small,

and when life was a mess and

about us you weren’t sure at all.

Don’t take my words to heart,

as for me there can never be a new start,

past haunts me and destroys my present,

its like voices only I hear,

that make me appear insane,

I live with these voices,

that speak of uncertainty,

and sing tales of broken trust,

and lulls a song of doubt in me,

and fill my life with fear.

They cloud my judgement ,

alter my view.

makes me behave the way I do.

I want to make them stop,

but I don’t know how,

And if they’ll live with me till I die,

and if I’ll hurt my loved ones till that day,

why wait so long when that day can be today.

And what pains more is,

its me who’s hurting you,

and I can do nothing about it.

I would have left these voice behind,

only if the would let go of me.

They whisper day and night,

of long ago betrayals ,

and how it’ll happen again.

They tell me , everyone can hurt me,

and they’ll do so given a chance.

They tell me that I’m not worthy of any love,

and should be beware of those,

who promise me the same.

For those will be the one’s who’ll make me laugh,

and make me feel good and special,

and one day out of blue, they’ll change,

and leave me abandoned with few more voices and unhealed scars.

And they tell me that to be indifferent,

lonely and cold-hearted is what I must do,

and never should I gift my trust to another,

for it’ll be a gift thrown away after being misused.

And what hurts me is that,

my fears are gifting you too some scar.

And spreading that same fear in your heart,

and same voices will haunt you like me,

and your scars will remind of the bad person I was.

My fears, my voices will then yours too,

and to protect myself from the illusion of threat,

that the voices create, I fear I’ll hurt you too.

and we’ll both be then broken souls,

who’ll have someone else to blame.

And that I’ll be reason of the pain you’ll suffer,

and you’ll never be able to trust someone again,

That in return of you love,

all I can give, is these voices and these fears,

as its all that I have and is all that I am,

its all I can be and all that I’m left with.

But I too selfish to let go of you,

for you’re the cure to these voices,

and your love, your look and your embrace,

make me feel that all pain is bearable,

And I feel in those few moments with you,

there’s hope, there’s love and there is still a chance left.

A chance to see this world for what it is ,

through your eyes, for once I’ll be what I could have been.