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A Russian Word

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There must be a Russian word to describe what has happened
between us, like ostyt, which can be used
for a cup of  tea that is too hot, but after you walk to the next room,
and return, it is too cool; or perekhotet,
which is to want something so much over months
and even years that when you get it, you have lost
the desire.

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“Letter to a Lost Friend” , Barbara Hamby

“How I spend my seconds” – Nayana Nair

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I look at your eyes
and notice the tone of your voice.
Every second, each day
afraid that something I do,
or something I say
might offend you.
I walk around your shadow
and you wonder why my touch,
why my words are so cold.
I wonder how long will I
keep you in my heart,
where you don’t want to stay anyway.

“More or Less” – Nayana Nair

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It was more or less like waiting
Only there was no excuse of distance between them
Though they walked hand-in-hand,
they knew
this was not all they could be.
Just like noises of traffic merging in the call of birds.
They knew the love they want and the love they have
was not so much different.
It was more or less the same.
Or at least they soon will be.
It was not a question of which person.
It was a question of
how much,
how long.

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And they have not lived an eternal life
to believe in eternal love.
But they kept it in mind
played with this idea,
scrutinised it,
made fun of it,
wished for it.

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As they wait for their love to
become bigger than themselves,
they have no choice but to be who they are
and live the life they know.
Soon this love will numb their pain.
But it takes time for poison to work.
But it will.
It always has.
Poison, too, can be a medicine.
It is just a matter of
how much,
how long.

Here

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Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave.

― Cormac McCarthy

“Island” – Nayana Nair

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I have the map, I have the ship
and I know where to go.
But I end up steering my way back
to the island that I left.
Like I have done
so many times before.
I wonder
whether the map is wrong?
or
do I not want to leave?
or
is the island all that there is?

Try not to think

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“I guess my life hasn’t always been happy, or easy, or exactly what I want. At a certain point, I just have to try not to think too much about certain things, or else they’ll break my heart.”

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― Jonathan Franzen

“Direction” – Nayana Nair

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The direction you have looked at
all your life.
Looking for the lost.
Searching for the reasons.
Waiting for your life.
Look opposite that direction.
You will find a kind heart.
It won’t be what you want or need.
But it will be enough
to live your life.
Enough to make you
never want to look back.

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