“Anything is better than this” – Nayana Nair

There is another in your heart.In your mind there is always a new another-someone you could have had.“Anything is better than this”, as you so often say.I wonder if the hell of your imagination has my face.For long my hell has been – you, keeping your options open.My hell has been – wondering if itContinue reading ““Anything is better than this” – Nayana Nair”

“Rainbows and Reflection” – Nayana Nair

I always thoughtthat I could be happy,really happy,forever happy,if only I could make myself love happiness. Though I approached this strange kid,though I pretended to be good and as holy as humans can be,I had nothing to say this ever smiling child.All the standard stories I had prepared for this heavy choreof presenting myself toContinue reading ““Rainbows and Reflection” – Nayana Nair”

“Wish List” – Nayana Nair

what do i want? snapshots of food i can’t eat? GIFs and videos to forward? people to gossip about? people to gossip to? friends? false sense of confidence? a filter for my mouth? a switch to put my heart to death? a reality check (altered to suit my expectation)? amnesia? counselling sessions? one more funContinue reading ““Wish List” – Nayana Nair”

“ugliness of my words” – Nayana Nair

As they casually made a remark about my incompetence, I found I hated them more than I should. Even if all their words were true, even though I was lacking. I wanted them to speak well of me. Not only speak well of me but to think well of me. – I never realized thatContinue reading ““ugliness of my words” – Nayana Nair”

“Empty Shells” – Nayana Nair

The list of all the words that I use and don’t know meaning of: friend, understanding, dream, ethics, distance, space, wait, promise, family, kindness, virtue, trust, love, love, love, love, love, love, (I was told I need to be especially obsessed with love if I want to be normal) I, me, memory (real or invented),Continue reading ““Empty Shells” – Nayana Nair”

“Reflections in Failure” – Nayana Nair

I realized in my failures that I was not nearly as good as I thought I was and whatever I am was not worth that much at least not in my own eyes. And nothing I did could change anything unless I could see the significance of what I am and what I do. IContinue reading ““Reflections in Failure” – Nayana Nair”

“The More I Hear” – Nayana Nair

The songs buzz in my head. It’s only your voice in that song this time that stops me from moving away. This noise again that feels like love. For I have already been acquainted with it in another sweet disaster, when someone told me I was worth more than what I think of. And manyContinue reading ““The More I Hear” – Nayana Nair”

“What I Remember (3)” – Nayana Nair

  somehow that is where i always found myself. crushed between the expectation that i had from myself, even if these expectation in no way could be ever called achievement, even if i could fulfill them. maybe that is precisely why i felt so crushed when my plans didn’t work out. it was not becauseContinue reading ““What I Remember (3)” – Nayana Nair”

“Flaw of my Heart” – Nayana Nair

Though I hate to admit it, I have known more happiness than I should. And the days of sorrow that I talk about were not as bad as I write. The flaw of my heart was always being too expectant, of overestimating my worth in the schemes of life. Believing that the tales I readContinue reading ““Flaw of my Heart” – Nayana Nair”