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“feelings on the forevers that worked out” – Nayana Nair

Posted on

you won’t believe this.

yesterday, coincidentally
i met the couple that always looked cute together.
the ones i thought will be together forever.
yesterday, i was sad for the first time
that they are together even after so many years.
that they made something out of their love, when we can’t.

as i smiled at them
and asked them about their wonderful life,
i didn’t feel happy at all.
i wanted to just find you and ask you
“why couldn’t you give me this happiness,
why you had to be as weak as me”.

and when they asked about you
i had to lie that you are doing well.
when they asked if we could all meet up,
i gave them my old number that no longer works.
they were so happy, that it ruined my whole day.

so yesterday was another day
when i learnt that i am not a really nice person.
i could see why you didn’t like me enough.

About Nayana Nair

Hi, I am Nayana Nair. I'm 25. Just a crazy girl who has tons of things to talk about....not much organized thoughts sadly. I like to talk about everything...mostly..every conversation of mine turns into a monologue.... So I decided I should start writing a blog..rather than chat.... I'm very much passionate about music, psychology and literature.... Moderate interest in science..... I always want to be a writer (and also a teacher)..But I don't think I have the skills required...this blog is just my attempt at becoming the writer I always wanted to be...Blogging for few years, I have realized I am more of a poet (although, I am not sure that I am good enough for that label)...I hope I realize more about myself through writing. Thanks for dropping by!! Hope I didn't disappoint. :)

10 responses »

  1. deeply moving, I always get images from your writing, you paint words. Peace and love.

    Reply
  2. So sad, even though your words have painted the canvas beautifully. Even sadder, most of us know folks like this, they lie to put a shield around their sadness and that can lead to depression. In the end they create a small world into which they snuggle and kind of close the door behind them. As you know, I prefer crazy to sad, the roller coaster to the ghost train. What would be your solution?

    Reply
    • I have seen most often when someone is sad they are more concerned with how people might see this sadness. They fear that even after their best effort, people will consider them as a loser.
      For example, for me, I like to eat alone when I am outside, since I am socially awkward and I can’t eat with peace of mind with strangers. I get really conscious. So I prefer to eat alone when I can and it is not something I am sad about, in fact I enjoy it, because I listen to songs and think about stuff in that time, I even write my poems in my lunch break at work. That is the only time I can write. But even when I like to eat alone, I sit at my desk and eat by myself and not in cafeteria. Because I do not want people to pity me or look down me when they see me eating alone. My eating alone is not painful for me, but to be pitied for that is what worries me.
      I think for some people sadness could be like that. They could go through the sadness but not necessarily face people in that time, because they don’t want to be judged or pitied or don’t know how to explain things without breaking down again.
      I think each of us responds to sadness in a different way, some turn sad, some turn crazy. I don’t have anything against any of the approach or method people may use for coping with loss in life, as long as it doesn’t harm a third person. I think holding up an ideal way to respond to loss or sadness may create more suffocation to people who are already suffering. I don’t think there is one solution, it is just life, we have to make sense of it on our own and try to get back on our feet somehow. πŸ™‚
      Glad you liked my poem πŸ™‚
      Thanks a lot πŸ˜€

      Reply
      • You paint a picture of isolation, yet you open yourself up in your poetry. Is the relative anonymity something that you see as a shield? πŸ™‚

      • I think the need to be understood was something that made me start writing. But with time, I realized that it is not what I really want. I didn’t want to say “look at my life, look how i suffer, this person is mean, that person is mean and i am the one who is victim here”. What I wanted to say is “though the specifics may differ, but I have known hurt in some form as you you have, let us accept these feelings, let us see our sadness without fear, let us try our best to live in spite of all”.
        But to put a writing like that, I need to hold back the particulars and the specifics that may break the bridge that I am trying to build.
        The picture of isolation is not a shield, but a necessity. When someone reads what I write, I do not want them to see it as my life, but moments that remind them of their own life.
        I think I am being too ambitious with the vision that I have for my work. But we all write for a reason. This would be mine I guess.

  3. I sometimes think we live in an age in which we expect both ourselves and others to have no ugly warts. Sure, we accept minor imperfections in both ourselves and others — but we draw the line somewhere shy of granting that we and others are actually human.

    I grew up in a small town that had many, many disadvantages, but one of its virtues was people tended on the whole to accept each other — ugly warts and all. That’s to say, there was a bit of a more holistic approach to people.

    In a small town, you might not like the fact I resent the happy couple who lives down the street from me, but you also know I’ve been taking care of old man Stevens for years,visiting him, making sure he’s eating right, etc. It’s hard to see people one-dimensionally..

    Reply
    • I envy you for that. That you got to be a part of such a close knit society. I think it is not only about it being a small town, but also about good people. People who create a better atmosphere to live. Where one can be oneself.
      It is not always the case though. I have lived in places where everyone knows everyone else, they know the story of their life. But all that leaves their mouth is cruel words and gossip that are mostly fictional. I think because I have seen such group of people, I ended up being more comfortable in living in places where we don’t even know the neighbors name. We ended up liking the fact that here in cities,, life is too fast, no one has time for anyone else, to know what they are doing, to slander their reputation, to create issues in others life. There is no chance or opportunity to know anyone, let alone their ugly warts and all (which is kind of sad)
      I think it is not only the place that you live in, but the people who live their that makes you have certain impressions about that place.

      Reply

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