“What I Remember (19)” – Nayana Nair

there are mornings
when i have forgotten how to forget.
i open my eyes
only believing the dream just broken.
there are mornings
when i hate myself for waking up
and my body for needing reality so much.

“i cannot give my heart to you”,
i remind myself to say this
as i gulp down a glass of chocolate milk,
in case someone decides to fall in love with me today.
it is unfortunate
that i have to force myself to say these words,
when it is so much easier to utter “yes”,
especially when i have hunger only for love.

as i untangle my earphones
i almost step into another puddle of my previous life.
there is something odd about finding my tears again.
i stand there, wanting to be of comfort to myself
but the one who is still drowning, drowning for years
i do not want her,
i do not want to catch her disease of hope.

there are days like these,
when taking a step forward is the most cruel thing to do.
when being human is risky, is the first step towards defeat.
when healing comes with a downtime, time that I must answer for.

on days like these
i find myself losing my sight,
and it is in that darkness that I find you.
how lucky you are that you will stay like this
stay beautiful, stay mine
only here,
only in my moments of madness and helplessness.

P.S. i am always amazed
at how easy it is to give up on myself
that to give up on you.
even when you were the worst of us.

Published by

Nayana Nair

Hi, I am Nayana Nair. I'm 25. Just a crazy girl who has tons of things to talk about....not much organized thoughts sadly. I like to talk about everything...mostly..every conversation of mine turns into a monologue.... So I decided I should start writing a blog..rather than chat.... I'm very much passionate about music, psychology and literature.... Moderate interest in science..... I always want to be a writer (and also a teacher)..But I don't think I have the skills required...this blog is just my attempt at becoming the writer I always wanted to be...Blogging for few years, I have realized I am more of a poet (although, I am not sure that I am good enough for that label)...I hope I realize more about myself through writing. Thanks for dropping by!! Hope I didn't disappoint. :)

20 Comments

  1. The way you began the poem hit me like a tornado and blew my mind away. Just amazing!
    It’s easy to put ourselves down, but just like you can’t give up on someone, there might be someone who cannot give up on you. 😊

    1. Wow, that is a very nice and sweet way to put it. That we might be someone worth believing – in someone else’s eyes.
      Really glad that you liked my poem 🙂
      Thank you so much 🙂 Means a lot

  2. A poem that is full of hope, while reluctantly holding back. afraid of the past wounds to be repeated..
    Our minds get so conditioned from a young age about how worthy we are, and it takes much work in releasing the layers that have built over time we use to protect and deny ourselves of not only loving others, but truly loving ourselves..
    When we begin to wake to the inner child, take hold of them and nurture their broken heart we discover many tears buried deep as we uncover the past traumas that led us to be so fearful of trusting ourselves and others..

    But once we do dive deeper and do that internal work, finally letting go of the past hurts and seeing we are worthy, we are lovable and loved then the healing begins.

    Sometimes while its hard to forget the past, the trick is to let that memory go, and move into the now, the true gift.. The Present..

    I wish you well in doing so, writing is a great release and tool in getting out the emotions deeply set..

    much love Nayana.. take care my friend ❤

    1. You have put it so beautifully. 🙂
      I understand what you are saying and totally agree with it. Running and ignoring past really doesn’t solve anything. It is not only about if you can escape your past, but how we see our present selves. This image of ourselves is so heavily dependent on our lives till now, that until we forgive or understand ourselves for what we did and the life we did, there is no coming in terms with ourselves. In fact, this act of abandoning ourselves would in future end up becoming something we would end up hating ourselves for again.
      I was reminded of a quote from an anime I had seen – “I do not want a memory of me running away from things.” (quoting from memory, so not quite accurate :))
      But even though it is cowardly and pointless to try to detach and abandon our past, for the sake of moving forward, but it is something we all do at some point of other. Even that moment somehow shows our hurt, our yearning for something distant, and our directionless efforts. Even this weak present self is a child that needs a voice, that needs an embrace.

      Thank you so much dear for your kind words of support and understanding. Means a lot.
      Lots of love. ❤
      Take care dear 🙂

      1. I think it takes great courage to confront our past, and move on with forgiving ourselves and others.. So pleased you appreciated my comment Nayana and so happy to know you understand the need to move forward and have a deeper understanding of how important it is to release emotional baggage we can often not even realise we carry..
        Much love your way and have a beautiful week and weekend to come.. ❤

    1. I think it varies from person to person, what their past and past-self makes them feel. For me it take certain courage to accept what I was. Maybe that has less to do with my shortcomings, and more related to the high standards of behavior I have for myself.
      Really glad that you liked my poem 🙂
      Thank you so much 🙂 😀

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s